DO YOU EMPATHISE?

'Some people think only intellect counts: knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion and empathy.'



We’ve all been in situations where we’ve needed some support. Not necessarily practical help, but a friendly smile, a shoulder to lean on and some understanding. If we’re lucky we know someone who can give us the support we need, but a great many people are unable to provide the shoulder or the understanding. They’re uncomfortable with the situation and have a tendency to belittle or reject others’ emotions. These are the people who don’t know how to empathise.

Empathy is a crucial part of our make-up as human beings. In recent years researchers have become aware of just how important emotional intelligence (EI) is, and empathy is a direct off-shoot of emotional intelligence. Those with a high EI are the most empathetic, particularly if they’re sensitive. These are the people who are in touch with their own feelings. If you’ve experienced a wide range of emotions in your own life, you’re more able to recall those feelings from your memory and imagine how someone else might be feeling.

Unfortunately being emotionally intelligent has only recently been considered of value. For a long time being intellectual was deemed more important. However, research has shown that it’s the emotionally intelligent who are usually the most happy and successful in life. Being empathetic makes you more likeable, so you make friends more easily and it also helps you in your work. In nearly every job there is a need to communicate well with people and in jobs such as marketing, customer service, medicine etc. empathy can be vital to success because you are able to identify with what your clients or customers are feeling. The person who empathises is bound to do better than someone who is less able to understand the emotions of others. This might seem obvious, but think back to people you’ve met professionally (doctors, dentists, salesmen etc.) who have annoyed or irritated you because they don’t seem to understand how you are feeling. They were the ones who were unable to empathise.

What exactly is empathy? A good description is ‘engaged detachment’. Psychiatrist Alberta Szalita described it as: ‘consideration of another person’s feelings and readiness to respond to his or her needs…without making his or her burden one’s own.’ It’s an acknowledgment of how someone feels, whether disappointed, joyous or sad, but it doesn’t necessarily mean embroiling yourself in solving any problems, or feeling affected emotionally yourself.

People who can’t empathise say things like ‘pull yourself together’, ‘time will heal’, ‘I told you so’ or ‘there’s plenty of fish in the sea’, none of which helps you feel better and all of which allow them to keep their distance emotionally. We are all born with an ability to empathise. Think how toddlers react if one of their group is upset or hurt. They become subdued and worried and will often move close to the crying or angry toddler, touching or hugging them to make it known they understand. However, as we grow older we begin to be more concerned about looking after ourselves. If our circumstances are particularly difficult during our childhood we will be too preoccupied with defending ourselves to be able to feel empathy for someone else. Circumstances like being overly criticized, disapproved of, bullied, humiliated, ignored and so on, will all have an effect on the way we empathise as we grow up. If we have experienced an enormous amount of pain we will shut ourselves off from our emotions as a survival technique or defence mechanism.

If you’re someone who finds it difficult to empathise, then you probably have good defence mechanisms in place. Unfortunately this also shuts you off from other people emotionally, which can become a very lonely place to be. However, it’s possible to teach and learn empathy and it’s certainly an ability well worth possessing in terms of life happiness. In fact all parents should make it one of the most important things to teach their children.

An enormous amount of empathy is based on non-verbal clues, like facial expressions and body language. Begin to study how other people react in emotional situations. Watch their eyes, the way they sit and move and what they do with their hands. Try to understand what they’re feeling and relate it to something you’ve felt in the past. Remember how you felt at times when you were nervous, angry, frightened, disappointed or overjoyed. Write those emotions down so that they have an identifiable name and relive them in your imagination. The next time someone explains to you how they’re feeling spend a few moments imagining that feeling. If you haven’t experienced the same circumstances then try to think of something that made you feel similar emotionally.

Learn to recognize your own emotions. Whenever you’re feeling angry or upset stop and think about what’s going on your mind. Acknowledge your feelings and accept them. By identifying how you feel and what has made you feel that way you’ll be a step nearer to understanding other people. Take note of both physical and emotional aspects of the feelings, so that you will recognize them in other people.

The fundamental steps of empathy are:

1.Recognising a strong feeling in someone (fear, anger, grief, disappointment). If you’re not sure what it is they’re experiencing, try asking the person ‘how do you feel?’

2.Imagining or remembering how it feels. Draw on your own experiences, or on items you’ve read or films you’ve seen. (Actors have to be excellent empathizers).

3.Stating the way you understand the person’s feelings. Talk to them using phrases such as: ‘I can imagine…’, ‘I can understand…, ‘It sounds as if…’.

4.Legitimizing the feeling by helping the person realize that it’s okay and normal to have these feelings.

5.Respecting how the person is trying to deal with the feelings. Don’t belittle their emotions or use sweeping statements.

6.Offering support in terms of being ready to listen and understand, to give a hug or some helpful advice.

It’s not something you can learn overnight, but in time you’ll be empathising without having to think about it consciously. It’s an enormously helpful communications tool and also makes you feel good, so go out there and practise!