CRITICISM

Nobody likes to be criticized but, like failure, it’s a part of life. The way we handle criticism, both taking it and giving it, is very similar to the way we handle failure and the way we do it is fundamental in helping us maintain our self-worth and relationships. Without an ability to deal with criticism we may be hurt or affect other people badly.

People will criticise you for any number of reasons. Sometimes it’s the truth and sometimes it isn’t, although they will think it is the truth. They may be in a bad mood, or angry and upset by something. Perhaps they’re trying to prove their own worth and self-importance, or maybe they get something out of upsetting other people. Alternatively they may have a good reason to make the criticism, but do it in an insensitive way.

Giving criticism

Most people find it difficult to give criticism truthfully, but it will inevitably happen sometimes and there are ways to criticise without being too hurtful or discouraging:

Be specific. Don’t generalise by saying something like ‘You don’t pull your weight round here’. Instead mention a particular incident when the person wasn’t doing what they should.

Always do it in private. Criticising anyone in front of other people is unnecessarily hurtful. If possible take them to one side or wait until later to explain what they did wrong.

Target the behaviour and not the person. Say ‘Because you didn’t do this, such and such has happened’ not ‘You never listen to what you’re told’.

Choose the right moment. Ideally this should be as soon as you can after the incident, but when you’re calm.

Be polite and diplomatic. There is no reason to be rude or insulting. It will only make the other person defensive. Give constructive suggestions as to how the person could do better in the future.

Don’t forget to balance the negatives with some positive comments. Give some praise about something else.

Try to finish on a light note with some humour if you can.

Always think before you offer criticism. It should be something that helps other people learn and improve, not a way to deflate their self-esteem or make you feel better about yourself. Make sure you’re doing it with the right motives.

Taking criticism

Our first reaction to being criticised is to feel deflated and unhappy, or angry and defensive. However, try to detach yourself, remind yourself that this is somebody else’s opinion, listen to the criticism carefully and consider it before you respond. That way you will feel more in control and less misjudged. Remember that in most cases criticism will give you a chance to learn and improve. Try to deal with it this way:

Don’t take it personally. The criticism is about an aspect of your behaviour, not your entire personality.

Decide what you can learn from it. There is usually at least some truth in criticisms. Take out the truths and discard the rest.

Don’t respond to an angry or confrontational tone of voice. Instead, focus on the suggestions that are being made, or politely ask for suggestions of how you can improve. Detach yourself emotionally.

Remember that criticism can be valuable. If you only ever received false praise you would make no progress. Invite constructive criticism sometimes, to help you improve and develop.

If the criticism is unjustified it’s particularly hurtful, but emain detached and ignore it. If you remain silent and aloof the critic will run out of steam and you retain your dignity. Focus on how insignificant the criticism is.

Another option, if you’re being wrongly criticised, is to disarm the critic by agreeing in some way. You might say ‘I can see this has bothered you,’ ‘You sound upset about this’, or ‘I can see your point of view’. It’s surprising how this calms people down.

If you have tried all these things but a criticism has still managed to upset you, try writing the issue on a piece of paper and putting it away for two or three days. Look at it again when you feel less emotional about it. You should be able to see the incident more objectively.

Some people are highly criticised all the time because of the work they do, for example celebrities, writers, musicians, politicians and so on. Most of them deal with it by realising that it’s either untrue so best forgotten, or else it’s just someone’s opinion and best forgotten. Either way, always remind yourself of who you really are and what you’ve achieved and don’t allow criticism to affect your self-esteem. There will always be more positive aspects to you than negative.

HIGHLY SENSITIVE?

‘Do not confuse peace of mind with insensitivity. A truly peaceful mind is very sensitive, very aware.’
(14th Dalai Lama: Tenzin Gvatso)


Were you labelled ‘shy’ or ‘sensitive’ as a child? Do you find you need time on your own? Are social occasions a trial for you?

Research in the last ten years has shown that 15% to 20% of people are ‘highly sensitive’. A lot of people are hugely relieved when they find out that they’re not really weird or misfits, but that they have a more developed sensory system than most people. In babies this often shows up as colic, in toddlers as nervousness or insecurity. In older children it’s sometimes described as shyness or being a bookworm or a loner. Adults may be introverted. Some people manage to hide their sensitivity and can be socially extrovert, but they will need time and space alone to recover from social interactions.

Being highly sensitive is usually inherited. These people are often affected by other people’s moods. They tend to be conscientious and meticulous and overwhelmed by chaos and clutter. They are ill at ease with loud noise, bright lights, crowds and lack of routine. They need plenty of time alone to regain their equilibrium and plenty of sleep to recharge their energy. They are frequently creative, spiritual and intuitive.

Often these people feel they ‘don’t belong’ because they don’t fit the outgoing ideals of modern society. They grow up thinking there’s something wrong with them because outwardly everybody else appears to cope more easily with daily life.

If you’re highly sensitive you need to acknowledge it and begin to develop boundaries for safety and comfort. Learn to accept who you are. If you prefer long walks alone rather than going to the gym, then do what makes you happiest. If you find big crowds overwhelming and tiring, then avoid them as much as you can. You don’t have to be a social butterfly; you might have a few good close friends and enjoy doing simple things with them. You don’t have to be team oriented. If you work better alone accept it and try to put yourself in that sort of environment. You don’t have to keep everybody else happy by doing things that don’t suit you. Explain how you feel and say ‘no’ if necessary.

Remember, we can’t all be strong, tough extroverts. Historically highly sensitive people were the advisors and mentors for kings and warriors. There has to be a balance of both types in the world. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re highly sensitive. If you’re unhappy about it, it’s probably because you’ve been trying all this time to be like other people. Don’t. Just be you and go with the flow of what makes you feel comfortable.

(If you want to know more about this subject read The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron).

PEOPLE PLEASING

I was talking to one of my clients about her problems with her family, who are very demanding of her. It was obvious that she had great difficulty in saying ‘no’ to people and is something of a people pleaser. We all like to please other people to an extent, but for some of us it goes too far and creates problems in our lives. Do any of the following apply to you?

I try to be what people want me to be
I don’t like to rock the boat
Often I’m not sure what I want
I rarely speak my mind
I rarely openly disagree with other people’s opinions
I dream of a strong person taking over my life to help me
I find it hard to say ‘no’
I repress my anger
I don’t take the initiative
I go along with things to keep people happy
I rarely express how I really feel

If some of these statements are true of you, then you’re probably a people pleaser. Although they don’t do it consciously, people pleasers want to keep other people happy in order to avoid some kind of reaction that unsettles them. They have usually grown up in a home where, for some reason, their needs and feelings were not properly valued or considered important, or other members of their family may have had greater needs, or perhaps been angry a lot of the time. For example if they grew up with a depressive, violent or alcoholic parent, or perhaps with a disabled or troubled sibling. They may also have been praised when they were compliant and punished when they were assertive, or else they could have been neglected or abused as children, which taught them that their needs and feelings were not important.

A typical people pleaser puts everybody else’s needs first. They tend to too much for others and not much for themselves. If they do something for themselves they feel selfish and guilty. They try to avoid conflict and don’t want to upset other people. They want to be liked and approved of by everyone, so they tend to become whatever they believe other people want. Their feeling of worth is dependent on doing whatever anyone asks them to do or being what they think other people want.

If you recognise yourself in this description then you probably have an inner feeling of emptiness and/or deep feelings of anger and resentment that you rarely show. You probably have a tendency to expect others to help you without being asked and when they don’t, you feel let down and sad. Sometimes it’s only in certain situations we become people pleasers. It may only occur within your relationship, or only at work, or only with men, or only with women.

The first step to sorting it out is to try to identify what you’re gaining from people pleasing. What is it that you’re looking for? Is it love, acceptance, praise, approval? What are you afraid might happen if you don’t please someone or what pain are you protecting yourself from? Is it anger, rejection, loneliness, abandonment, criticism? Once you have some idea of what’s making you do it, start to notice how you feel inside when you’re being compliant. Does it make you feel happy or sad, resentful or grateful?

Start to assert yourself in small ways. Learn to express your thoughts, or anger or opinions. Recognise that we all have different ideas about things and your ideas and opinions are as worthy as someone else’s. Try to spend more time with the people who know and accept you as you are so that you can teach yourself to be yourself all the time. Learn to protect yourself from being controlled by others.

Practise saying ‘no’ as often as you can. Try saying phrases like ‘No, I won’t be able to do that,’ or ‘No, I don’t agree with that,’ over and over to yourself. Use the word ‘no’ in simple situations to begin with and work up to using it in harder circumstances. Teach yourself phrases that suit your personality and express what you really want to say.

Instead of immediately saying ‘yes’ to people, try saying something like ‘Can I think about that and let you know?’. Give yourself time to decide whether you really want to do something or not and how you will say ‘no’ if that’s what you decide.

Begin to do things which are entirely to please yourself. Give yourself half an hour each day to do something that gives you pleasure, such as read, play the piano, listen to music, go for a walk, have a bath etc. Give yourself permission to do this and don’t feel guilty.

Try asking other people to help you with things. Start with small things. You’ll be amazed how much other people will enjoy helping you.

Remember: people like you for who you are and not for what you do, so start learning to be yourself and take it a step at a time.