CRITICISM

Nobody likes to be criticized but, like failure, it’s a part of life. The way we handle criticism, both taking it and giving it, is very similar to the way we handle failure and the way we do it is fundamental in helping us maintain our self-worth and relationships. Without an ability to deal with criticism we may be hurt or affect other people badly.

People will criticise you for any number of reasons. Sometimes it’s the truth and sometimes it isn’t, although they will think it is the truth. They may be in a bad mood, or angry and upset by something. Perhaps they’re trying to prove their own worth and self-importance, or maybe they get something out of upsetting other people. Alternatively they may have a good reason to make the criticism, but do it in an insensitive way.

Giving criticism

Most people find it difficult to give criticism truthfully, but it will inevitably happen sometimes and there are ways to criticise without being too hurtful or discouraging:

Be specific. Don’t generalise by saying something like ‘You don’t pull your weight round here’. Instead mention a particular incident when the person wasn’t doing what they should.

Always do it in private. Criticising anyone in front of other people is unnecessarily hurtful. If possible take them to one side or wait until later to explain what they did wrong.

Target the behaviour and not the person. Say ‘Because you didn’t do this, such and such has happened’ not ‘You never listen to what you’re told’.

Choose the right moment. Ideally this should be as soon as you can after the incident, but when you’re calm.

Be polite and diplomatic. There is no reason to be rude or insulting. It will only make the other person defensive. Give constructive suggestions as to how the person could do better in the future.

Don’t forget to balance the negatives with some positive comments. Give some praise about something else.

Try to finish on a light note with some humour if you can.

Always think before you offer criticism. It should be something that helps other people learn and improve, not a way to deflate their self-esteem or make you feel better about yourself. Make sure you’re doing it with the right motives.

Taking criticism

Our first reaction to being criticised is to feel deflated and unhappy, or angry and defensive. However, try to detach yourself, remind yourself that this is somebody else’s opinion, listen to the criticism carefully and consider it before you respond. That way you will feel more in control and less misjudged. Remember that in most cases criticism will give you a chance to learn and improve. Try to deal with it this way:

Don’t take it personally. The criticism is about an aspect of your behaviour, not your entire personality.

Decide what you can learn from it. There is usually at least some truth in criticisms. Take out the truths and discard the rest.

Don’t respond to an angry or confrontational tone of voice. Instead, focus on the suggestions that are being made, or politely ask for suggestions of how you can improve. Detach yourself emotionally.

Remember that criticism can be valuable. If you only ever received false praise you would make no progress. Invite constructive criticism sometimes, to help you improve and develop.

If the criticism is unjustified it’s particularly hurtful, but emain detached and ignore it. If you remain silent and aloof the critic will run out of steam and you retain your dignity. Focus on how insignificant the criticism is.

Another option, if you’re being wrongly criticised, is to disarm the critic by agreeing in some way. You might say ‘I can see this has bothered you,’ ‘You sound upset about this’, or ‘I can see your point of view’. It’s surprising how this calms people down.

If you have tried all these things but a criticism has still managed to upset you, try writing the issue on a piece of paper and putting it away for two or three days. Look at it again when you feel less emotional about it. You should be able to see the incident more objectively.

Some people are highly criticised all the time because of the work they do, for example celebrities, writers, musicians, politicians and so on. Most of them deal with it by realising that it’s either untrue so best forgotten, or else it’s just someone’s opinion and best forgotten. Either way, always remind yourself of who you really are and what you’ve achieved and don’t allow criticism to affect your self-esteem. There will always be more positive aspects to you than negative.