I was talking to one of my clients about her problems with her family, who are very demanding of her. It was obvious that she had great difficulty in saying ‘no’ to people and is something of a people pleaser. We all like to please other people to an extent, but for some of us it goes too far and creates problems in our lives. Do any of the following apply to you?
I try to be what people want me to be
I don’t like to rock the boat
Often I’m not sure what I want
I rarely speak my mind
I rarely openly disagree with other people’s opinions
I dream of a strong person taking over my life to help me
I find it hard to say ‘no’
I repress my anger
I don’t take the initiative
I go along with things to keep people happy
I rarely express how I really feel
If some of these statements are true of you, then you’re probably a people pleaser. Although they don’t do it consciously, people pleasers want to keep other people happy in order to avoid some kind of reaction that unsettles them. They have usually grown up in a home where, for some reason, their needs and feelings were not properly valued or considered important, or other members of their family may have had greater needs, or perhaps been angry a lot of the time. For example if they grew up with a depressive, violent or alcoholic parent, or perhaps with a disabled or troubled sibling. They may also have been praised when they were compliant and punished when they were assertive, or else they could have been neglected or abused as children, which taught them that their needs and feelings were not important.
A typical people pleaser puts everybody else’s needs first. They tend to too much for others and not much for themselves. If they do something for themselves they feel selfish and guilty. They try to avoid conflict and don’t want to upset other people. They want to be liked and approved of by everyone, so they tend to become whatever they believe other people want. Their feeling of worth is dependent on doing whatever anyone asks them to do or being what they think other people want.
If you recognise yourself in this description then you probably have an inner feeling of emptiness and/or deep feelings of anger and resentment that you rarely show. You probably have a tendency to expect others to help you without being asked and when they don’t, you feel let down and sad. Sometimes it’s only in certain situations we become people pleasers. It may only occur within your relationship, or only at work, or only with men, or only with women.
The first step to sorting it out is to try to identify what you’re gaining from people pleasing. What is it that you’re looking for? Is it love, acceptance, praise, approval? What are you afraid might happen if you don’t please someone or what pain are you protecting yourself from? Is it anger, rejection, loneliness, abandonment, criticism? Once you have some idea of what’s making you do it, start to notice how you feel inside when you’re being compliant. Does it make you feel happy or sad, resentful or grateful?
Start to assert yourself in small ways. Learn to express your thoughts, or anger or opinions. Recognise that we all have different ideas about things and your ideas and opinions are as worthy as someone else’s. Try to spend more time with the people who know and accept you as you are so that you can teach yourself to be yourself all the time. Learn to protect yourself from being controlled by others.
Practise saying ‘no’ as often as you can. Try saying phrases like ‘No, I won’t be able to do that,’ or ‘No, I don’t agree with that,’ over and over to yourself. Use the word ‘no’ in simple situations to begin with and work up to using it in harder circumstances. Teach yourself phrases that suit your personality and express what you really want to say.
Instead of immediately saying ‘yes’ to people, try saying something like ‘Can I think about that and let you know?’. Give yourself time to decide whether you really want to do something or not and how you will say ‘no’ if that’s what you decide.
Begin to do things which are entirely to please yourself. Give yourself half an hour each day to do something that gives you pleasure, such as read, play the piano, listen to music, go for a walk, have a bath etc. Give yourself permission to do this and don’t feel guilty.
Try asking other people to help you with things. Start with small things. You’ll be amazed how much other people will enjoy helping you.
Remember: people like you for who you are and not for what you do, so start learning to be yourself and take it a step at a time.
