HEARTBREAK

I decided to write this because over and over again I meet people through my work or my agony aunt column, who are trying to deal with a loss of a partner, whether it’s breaking up, divorce or bereavement. In all cases the feelings are much the same and it’s a very difficult situation to overcome.

First acknowledge that healing can’t be rushed. There’s no quick fix….but you will get better. It’s especially hard if you’re the person who was ‘dumped’. Rejection has all sorts of repercussions on your personality, particularly if you’ve been rejected before, in your childhood for example. You start to doubt that you will ever meet the ‘love of your life’, that there is nobody out there who cares about you, that everything is pointless and that there’s something wrong with you.

Remember: it’s not your fault! Please don’t start blaming yourself. For whatever reasons a relationship fails there are two people involved. The other person is not usually reacting to who you are, but to their own fears and problems.

When a relationship ends we go through a series of phases:

SHOCK

Initially there is a period of very painful emotion or sometimes numbness. The symptoms are physical, it truly hurts and it feels as though you will never recover. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as ill. Go to bed for a day or two if necessary. Cry. Find a sympathetic friend or a counsellor to talk to. Avoid anyone who wants to say ‘I told you so’. Pamper yourself. You are going through a huge emotional turmoil and can’t expect to function as normal. If it helps, write a letter to the person who’s hurt you and pour out your feelings, but don’t send it. Burn it. Write another…and another, until you’ve vented some of the emotion.

You may feel foolish for trusting and have very low self-esteem. You may lack confidence in your judgement. Give yourself a long break. Even if you’d like to remain friends with the other person, try not to see them for a few months or until you’ve started to recover. If you have to see them, then keep it to a minimum. It’s not a good idea to go straight into a new relationship, even though it may be tempting. You need to love yourself again before starting to love someone else.

DENIAL

This is the most difficult stage to move on from, when you may fantasise about getting back together. You have an inner voice that keeps saying ‘why?’, ‘if only’ and ‘what if’. In the majority of cases you’ll never know the answers to your questions and will only torture yourself by going over and over these thoughts in your mind. You have to get rid of these thoughts in order to move forward. Put anything that reminds you of your partner in a box and put it away where you can’t see it. You don’t want to dwell on memories now.

Accept that good and bad stuff happens. This has happened and it won’t change. There’s no point dwelling on something that stops you getting on with your life. Start assuring yourself that you deserve better. You’re a worthwhile person and good stuff will start happening again. You can do it.

SADNESS

Of course you will feel sadness and depression at times. Reality is hitting you, so acknowledge that it’s okay to feel like that. If you act as though you’re okay you won’t get the emotional support and practical help you need from other people. This is the time to start looking back at the relationship for negative aspects. What was the relationship REALLY like? Often we choose to ignore things that we don’t want to accept. Perhaps the clues were there.

Make a list of all the negative things about the relationship. Use this to remind you of the bad when you start fantasising that it was all good. It will also help you work out what it is you want from a relationship in the future and what mistakes you don’t want to repeat.

ANGER

Good! It’s excellent to start being angry. You’re feeling again. You’ll start to realise that you don’t miss the partner as such, but the idea of being with the partner. The person in your mind and memory is not the real person. Keep reminding yourself of that. Try to work out exactly what you’re angry about. Is it humiliation, jealousy, fear or resentment? The chances are that the anger is something to do with the way you feel about yourself and nothing to do with the other person. Realise that you don’t want to be with someone who makes you feel that way.

Try exercising to get rid of some of the pent up emotion. Kick boxing or running is great, or hit a punch bag…or even a pillow! Meditation is excellent too. Think of the anger as something that’s flowing through your body in waves and as it passes on you’re being cleansed and the anger is disappearing.

ACCEPTANCE

You’re getting there. The physical and mental anguish starts to fade. You can see the relationship with some perspective and know that you’re moving on in your life. This is the time to learn to forgive so that you can let go. Forgiving yourself and the other person shows that you are accepting reality and are willing to get over it.

Write a list of all the things you gained from the relationship. The things you learned about yourself and the things you’re grateful for. Reflect on what you’ve gained rather than lost. Use what you’ve learned towards the future. See it for what it is: another step forward in life.

MOVING ON

Concentrate on building your self esteem. Make new connections, do new things and focus on your needs. Reclaim your life. Remind yourself that you’re free and that being single is a wonderful chance to develop yourself. Head towards your dreams. Work towards being comfortable with and loving yourself. It will all help you love someone else again.