LONELY?

There are times of the year when a lot of people feel especially lonely: Christmas, birthdays or Valentines Day for example. It feels as though everybody else has friends except you. You feel empty and alienated from everybody. Someone wrote: 'loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty'. It's a depressing way to feel and yet so many of us have felt it at one time or another. In many ways it's part of being a human. The good news is that there are ways of dealing with loneliness and finding a way forward.

When you feel lonely all sorts of thoughts start to build up in your mind. You feel isolated and disconnected from everybody, which makes you feel socially inadequate. This leads to low self-esteem and a belief that there is something wrong with you. Gradually you become distanced from your surroundings, shy and scared with other people, anxious, sad and reluctant to try anything new. It's like being a tortoise hiding in your shell. The difficulty is that all these things make it harder to drag yourself out of the rut and move forward.

Okay, so what can you do about it? Let's start with what you should NOT do! Hiding away physically and not going out, or drinking too much, taking drugs, or sleeping all the time don't work. In fact they just make you feel worse and your self-esteem sinks to even lower depths, so if you're doing any of those things then stop at once. Resolve to start changing your life today.
First, assess your circumstances. What is making you feel lonely and why? There are several different reasons why people start to feel isolated:

Living on your own
Living far from family and friends
Finding it difficult to socialise
Feeling as though there is nobody you can connect with
Being physically restricted from meeting people by illness, lack of transport etc.

Now tackle your particular situation. If it's because you have recently come out of a relationship or been bereaved, then accept that it will take some time to recover. Treat this as a grieving period and visit the many websites that help you deal with grief. Read them and find other people going through the same thing. There are forums where you can talk to each other. There's nothing like a problem shared to make you feel better!

Perhaps you've moved to a new area because of work and know nobody there. Maybe you live in a city and find it difficult to meet people. Even when you're in a relationship you can feel very alone.

Whatever the reason, loneliness is something that happens inside you and the best way to overcome it is to learn to be happy within yourself and about yourself. It IS possible to be happy in a mostly solitary situation, although we do all need emotional connections with other human beings as well. So, you need to work on two things: learning to appreciate yourself for the wonderful person you are, and communicating in an emotional sense with others. The latter means making contact with people. I know this is hard when you're feeling down and you may have to make an effort to begin with, but after a while the benefits will far outweigh the effort and you'll find your initial anxiety will quickly disappear as you begin to have a good time.

Start by identifying some of the things you enjoy doing or are interested in, or even something you've always wanted to learn to do. Even if they appear to be solitary there will be other people out there who enjoy doing the same things. The secret to comfortable socialising is finding like-minded people. Go out and join some clubs or attend some courses. Volunteer for a charity that interests you. If you're worried about talking to other people remember this: being a good listener is a much valued and rare trait which makes you universally liked, so you don't need to worry if you can't think of much to say!

Have you thought about getting a pet? It's been proven that having an animal companion helps immeasurably. If you can't or don't have a dog or cat, think about something smaller, like a bird or hamster. You can talk to them, handle them and care for them and they are fantastic companions. You can also use your computer and websites to make contact with like-minded people. There are millions of people online who are lonely and seeking someone to talk to. Search around for people with your interests and start emailing. Some of those people will become your friends.

Other things you can do that will help are: changing your routine, writing a diary or a book, listening to music, painting, or watching comedy on TV. Anything that gives you a sense of communication will help to lift your mood. Smiling and laughing is highly infectious and very healthy.

In fact, wherever you go, smile at people! Try an experiment: go out one day and smile at everyone you talk to and everyone you make eye contact with. It'll make you feel good and you'll find people respond, smile back and often talk to you too.

Start to focus on what a great person you are. Make a list of all the positive things people have said about you and of all the things that you do well, however small they seem. Write yourself an affirmation. It really does work. Write something along the lines of 'I'm a worthwhile and highly visible person. I don't need anybody else to make me happy. I make myself happy'. Say this to yourself several times a day and you'll find your mood will gradually change.

Look at being on your own as a positive thing. It gives you time to concentrate on yourself and question what you want and need from life. After all, you and you alone can make yourself happy. Nobody else can do it for you. I'm not suggesting that you shut yourself off from others. We all need people in our lives, but the happier you are within yourself and with being a solitary person, the more people will be attracted to you and the more friends you'll make. I promise!

Keep busy doing things that genuinely interest you or that you feel passionate about and become emotionally involved with whatever you decide to do. Developing self-sufficiency can take a while, but it's worth the effort. Above all, don't be scared to ask other people for help, whoever they are. You'll be bowled over by how positively people respond. Others are usually extremely flattered to be asked for help or advice and sometimes they're just as lonely as you are and equally scared of approaching people, so why not take the initiative? Go on....get out there. Change your life !