BE CREATIVE!

‘Happiness….lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort.’(Franklin D. Roosevelt)

Throughout history creativity has been used to help healing. Studies have shown that it helps us live longer and improves our self-esteem. It also stops us feeling isolated and lessens depression. It’s a very necessary part of a healthy well-balanced lifestyle.

Creating is about generating new ideas or concepts. It helps us to open up an inner emotional part of ourselves, allowing us to make choices and decisions and have some control over something in our lives. I’m not talking just about arts and crafts. Other pursuits like cooking, decorating or gardening, for example, require creative expression.

Psychologists have identified a state of the mind that they call ‘flow’, because it’s like a current of water pulling you along. It’s when people are so absorbed in what they’re doing that they feel fully involved and have a high level of concentration. They lose self-consciousness and focus on clear goals. There’s no fear of failure. It’s often a time altered state and is rewarding and seemingly effortless. In fact, it’s almost like a form of meditation. Can you remember times when you’ve felt this? Can you remember what you were doing?

Okay, so how do you go about being creative? First, you need to find what appeals to you. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do or something you did when you were a child that gave you huge enjoyment? Look and listen to everything around you to find out what inspires you. People are motivated to create by a need for varied stimulation, or to communicate ideas and values, or to solve problems.

Many people put off trying something new because of a little inner critic telling them they can’t do it. Ask yourself: what’s the worst that can happen? There’s no right or wrong way to create. It’s a learning experience with no restrictive rules. It’s for fulfilment and fun, not for approval. It’s play, not competition.
Here’s a list of possible things to choose from, although there are many more:

Make greetings cards, scrapbooking, jewellery making, singing, writing music, playing a musical instrument, designing clothes, painting, drawing cartoons, photography, collage, quilting, writing stories, writing poetry, gardening, woodwork, carving, sculpture, interior design, dance, amateur dramatics....

Once you’ve decided what appeals to you, then take the steps to start doing it: book a lesson, join a group, buy the materials, read books about the subject, collect pictures, visit galleries or museums, research on the internet. Make space in your life to fit it in. Go out and DO IT!

Remember: creativity improves your memory, boosts your morale, gives you a sense of well-being, helps you face adversity, makes you emotionally resilient, and lifts depression. It’s just as important as physical exercise in your life….and it’s great fun too!

ORANGE GLOW

Orange is the happiest colour’ (Frank Sinatra)


This colour is considered a sign of joy and happiness and is associated with our energy and emotions. It’s flamboyant, energetic and warm. Although it’s the least popular of the colours it has lots of beneficial qualities.

Orange mentally uplifts us and is a great colour for boosting self-esteem or renewing interest in life. It helps us forgive others and go beyond the constraints of our families or communities, so that we confidently move out in the world. It allows us to have the freedom to be ourselves and also to respect others’ freedom.

Too much orange in your environment can make you emotionally explosive, overindulgent, hyperactive and obsessed with sex. It tends to make people sexually manipulative and may create problems with money.

Too little of the colour in your life can cause you to repress your emotions and your sexuality, while making you distrustful and accentuating any feelings of guilt. You may have low self-esteem and feel uncreative and bored with your life.

If you don’t like orange then you are probably mentally and physically exhausted, in which case surround yourself with the paler shades, the peaches and apricots, in order to get the benefit without too much of the energy.

Orange is a source of laughter and zest for life. Having a balanced amount of orange surrounding you will encourage you to explore and enjoy life. This attracts people and helps you become comfortable socially, with an easy connection to others. It helps you form positive relationships. With the right balance of orange you will be friendly, caring, creative, optimistic and in touch with your gut feelings. It also enables you to let go of the past.

Our self-respect is related to the colour orange. It can work as an anti-depressant. It uplifts and enlivens us while giving us a feeling of warmth and security. Use it when you need some lightness and laughter around you. Avoid it if you’re feeling confused, frustrated or claustrophobic.

It’s the colour for activity and exercise. It strengthens your immune system and aids digestion. It’s a wonderful colour for the gym, or the kitchen and anywhere that you socialise, but is best avoided in bedrooms as it can be over-stimulating and make you feel restless. Use it whenever you want to feel positive, energetic and active. Learn to love it, because it’s extremely good for you!

HEARTBREAK

I decided to write this because over and over again I meet people through my work or my agony aunt column, who are trying to deal with a loss of a partner, whether it’s breaking up, divorce or bereavement. In all cases the feelings are much the same and it’s a very difficult situation to overcome.

First acknowledge that healing can’t be rushed. There’s no quick fix….but you will get better. It’s especially hard if you’re the person who was ‘dumped’. Rejection has all sorts of repercussions on your personality, particularly if you’ve been rejected before, in your childhood for example. You start to doubt that you will ever meet the ‘love of your life’, that there is nobody out there who cares about you, that everything is pointless and that there’s something wrong with you.

Remember: it’s not your fault! Please don’t start blaming yourself. For whatever reasons a relationship fails there are two people involved. The other person is not usually reacting to who you are, but to their own fears and problems.

When a relationship ends we go through a series of phases:

SHOCK

Initially there is a period of very painful emotion or sometimes numbness. The symptoms are physical, it truly hurts and it feels as though you will never recover. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as ill. Go to bed for a day or two if necessary. Cry. Find a sympathetic friend or a counsellor to talk to. Avoid anyone who wants to say ‘I told you so’. Pamper yourself. You are going through a huge emotional turmoil and can’t expect to function as normal. If it helps, write a letter to the person who’s hurt you and pour out your feelings, but don’t send it. Burn it. Write another…and another, until you’ve vented some of the emotion.

You may feel foolish for trusting and have very low self-esteem. You may lack confidence in your judgement. Give yourself a long break. Even if you’d like to remain friends with the other person, try not to see them for a few months or until you’ve started to recover. If you have to see them, then keep it to a minimum. It’s not a good idea to go straight into a new relationship, even though it may be tempting. You need to love yourself again before starting to love someone else.

DENIAL

This is the most difficult stage to move on from, when you may fantasise about getting back together. You have an inner voice that keeps saying ‘why?’, ‘if only’ and ‘what if’. In the majority of cases you’ll never know the answers to your questions and will only torture yourself by going over and over these thoughts in your mind. You have to get rid of these thoughts in order to move forward. Put anything that reminds you of your partner in a box and put it away where you can’t see it. You don’t want to dwell on memories now.

Accept that good and bad stuff happens. This has happened and it won’t change. There’s no point dwelling on something that stops you getting on with your life. Start assuring yourself that you deserve better. You’re a worthwhile person and good stuff will start happening again. You can do it.

SADNESS

Of course you will feel sadness and depression at times. Reality is hitting you, so acknowledge that it’s okay to feel like that. If you act as though you’re okay you won’t get the emotional support and practical help you need from other people. This is the time to start looking back at the relationship for negative aspects. What was the relationship REALLY like? Often we choose to ignore things that we don’t want to accept. Perhaps the clues were there.

Make a list of all the negative things about the relationship. Use this to remind you of the bad when you start fantasising that it was all good. It will also help you work out what it is you want from a relationship in the future and what mistakes you don’t want to repeat.

ANGER

Good! It’s excellent to start being angry. You’re feeling again. You’ll start to realise that you don’t miss the partner as such, but the idea of being with the partner. The person in your mind and memory is not the real person. Keep reminding yourself of that. Try to work out exactly what you’re angry about. Is it humiliation, jealousy, fear or resentment? The chances are that the anger is something to do with the way you feel about yourself and nothing to do with the other person. Realise that you don’t want to be with someone who makes you feel that way.

Try exercising to get rid of some of the pent up emotion. Kick boxing or running is great, or hit a punch bag…or even a pillow! Meditation is excellent too. Think of the anger as something that’s flowing through your body in waves and as it passes on you’re being cleansed and the anger is disappearing.

ACCEPTANCE

You’re getting there. The physical and mental anguish starts to fade. You can see the relationship with some perspective and know that you’re moving on in your life. This is the time to learn to forgive so that you can let go. Forgiving yourself and the other person shows that you are accepting reality and are willing to get over it.

Write a list of all the things you gained from the relationship. The things you learned about yourself and the things you’re grateful for. Reflect on what you’ve gained rather than lost. Use what you’ve learned towards the future. See it for what it is: another step forward in life.

MOVING ON

Concentrate on building your self esteem. Make new connections, do new things and focus on your needs. Reclaim your life. Remind yourself that you’re free and that being single is a wonderful chance to develop yourself. Head towards your dreams. Work towards being comfortable with and loving yourself. It will all help you love someone else again.

GO PURPLE!

‘I think it pisses God off if you walk by the colour purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it.’ (Alice Walker)

People tend to feel strongly about the colour purple and either love or hate it, although there are in fact many variations from lavender to deep violet. This is a wonderful colour to learn to like, because it fosters intuition and understanding. It’s dramatic, spiritual and associated with beauty, art and inspiration.

Purple is an excellent colour to use when you’re meditating and to surround yourself with when you’re making changes in your life. It helps you to think objectively and tap into your creative energy. It connects our conscious to our subconscious and makes us feel relaxed and comforted. It has been used in psychiatric care to help calm and pacify patients and has a mentally cleansing effect. People also use the colour as an appetite suppressant.

If you’re interested in psychic energy and powers then surround yourself with purple. It’s known to stimulate intuition and the spiritual self. If it’s a colour you love then it’s time for you to let go of the past and look forward to the future.

Too much purple in your life will make you manipulative and impatient and you will worry a lot. If you dislike it you are probably feeling trapped by someone else’s authority, or else having a creative block.

Not having enough purple in your life will make you wary of success, undisciplined and forgetful. You’ll find it difficult to be in tune with what’s happening around you.

The right balance of purple will connect you to your intuitive and creative powers. It will also make you less materialistic and less afraid of death. It’s generally thought that purple is the colour most appropriate for the next few decades, as people are becoming more aware of their spirituality and want peace and harmony in the world.

Purple is the perfect colour for creative people such as artists and musicians. (Leonardo da Vinci was a big fan of purple!). If you’re wanting to be creative then try wearing purple, or having some to look at while you’re working. If you’re having a creative block, then use the colour to free up your thoughts.

Purple is the connection between our spiritual selves and our physical selves. It makes us aware of being part of the universe and lifts us above the day to day trials and tribulations of day to day life, giving us great inner wisdom and understanding.

CHARMING!

• ‘The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back’ (Dale Carnegie)
  
  
  What makes someone charming? We all know some of those people who are universally liked. Nelson Mandela is a prime example.
  
  Being liked is fundamental to our well-being, both physically and mentally. Having good self-esteem is the key to happiness and success and being liked raises our self-esteem, helping us achieve the things we want in life.
  
  In a nutshell, the secret to being socially successful is about making people feel good about themselves and it begins with feeling good about yourself. Accept who you are, warts and all, and be content with yourself. This will immediately give you a sense of security which will attract other people. If you act confident you’ll become confident. Most importantly, learn to laugh at yourself.
  
  The more you’re the real you the more relaxed you’ll be. People quickly pick up on any insincerity or tension. You don’t have to try hard to be liked, just try to like other people. If you have a genuine interest in and desire to engage with people they’ll sense it. Expect to enjoy being with people and they’ll enjoy being with you! Here are some practical tips on how to be a charmer:
  
  When first meeting people smile. If meeting several people in a group don’t smile too quickly at everyone. Try to smile at them individually as you get to talk to them. Remember names, and, if you’ve forgotten after the introduction, apologise and ask them again as soon as you can.
  
  Be aware of anyone else who’s uncomfortable. Empathy goes a long way towards making friends.
  
  Remember that you have two ears for listening and one mouth for talking. Listening is more important than talking when meeting people. You’re not boring if you’re listening. Talking all the time is boring!
  
  Get people to talk about themselves. Ask questions needing more than yes/no answers and be interested in the answers. Give positive feedback, but don’t agree with everything they say or you’ll seem insincere.
  
  Concentrate on the person you’re dealing with. Maintain eye contact and don’t forget about body language. Lean towards them, but not too close, and don’t look round for other people to talk to!
  
  Establish a connection by finding similarities between you (like work, where you live, common interests etc.) and exchange ideas and information.
  
  Find out what’s unique and special about them. Everyone has something worth listening to and everyone is potentially important in your life.
  
  Always show respect for other people’s opinions. Don’t create arguments. Hostility just creates more hostility. Listen to their views, even if you end up disagreeing. We’re each entitled to our own opinions.
  
  Accept criticism gracefully and always admit your mistakes. It makes you more likeable.
  
  If you find small talk difficult, then gen up on current affairs, humourous anecdotes, new books/films/art or recent sports events.
  
  
  
  Remember that sending out a clear signal to someone that you like them will make them like you. However, above all, be sincere and when you leave try to do it on a high note because that’s the way you’ll be remembered! So go out there and charm everyone!
  
  (Read ‘The Power of Social Intelligence’ by Tony Buzan if you want to learn more on this subject)
  
  

BLUE

‘Blue colour is everlastingly appointed by the Deity to be a source of delight’ (John Ruskin)

Think how relaxing it is staring up at a bright blue sky or looking out over an expanse of blue sea. Blue is a cool and calming colour. We’re soothed by the deep blue of a night sky. It’s the colour of relaxation, tranquility and peace. Blue light has been shown to lower blood pressure and dark blue is good for curing insomnia and alleviating pain. Bear in mind, though, that too much dark blue can worsen depression.

Light, soft blues give us a sense of quiet and an escape from the stresses of everyday life. They inspire mental control and clarity. Blue helps strengthen your willpower and your individuality. It’s an excellent colour to use when you’re converting your dreams to reality.

It’s also the colour of communication and self-expression. With a good balance of blue in your life you will communicate honestly and effectively.

Too much blue in your life can make you talk too much and without thinking before you speak. Too little blue can create a lack of self-control or willpower and cause you to communicate badly. You’re likely to be timid and quiet and too quick to compromise. You might not feel able to say what you want, and this can lead to depression.

If you don’t like blue you probably have a fear of failure, or a fear of losing your status or position. Someone may have been disloyal and let you down, making you feel rejected.

Blue is the colour of space, quiet, reassurance and sensitivity. It represents loyalty and trust. Use blue where you want to relax or discover your individuality and personal strength of will. However, if you have a tendency towards depression, don’t surround yourself with too much blue.

BOUNCING BACK

‘Life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb, but how well you bounce’.

We all have ups and downs in our lives, whatever our circumstances. Adversity comes in all forms: health issues, relationship problems, financial worries, bereavement etc. To maintain a healthy attitude towards these problems we need resilience. Psychologists are realising that an ability to bounce back from setbacks is one of the keys to leading a satisfied life.

We’re not born with or without resilience. It’s something we can learn and develop. The core behaviours are emotional control and openness to new experiences.

Emotional control is something we should all work on! Having a tantrum or a road rage episode is never a solution. When confronted with situations where you feel your anger rising, take a breath and think clearly about what will happen if you lose your temper. In public it will be embarrassing and there’s a chance you might be physically assaulted; in private you’re liable to say or do things you’ll later regret. Ultimately you’ll only be making yourself unnecessarily stressed and upset. Try to react to negative situations with good grace, courage, humour and optimism. You’ll feel a lot better for it.

Talk to friends or family about how you’re feeling. The act of putting your emotions into words and describing the situation will help you keep calm and give you more clarity. Keeping a sense of humour is also an enormous help and alleviates anger and tension.

Focus on the positive and see things in perspective. For example, having your car stolen is not a life and death event. You will get through it and move on.

Being open to new experiences helps you work out solutions to problems. Think around the problem from different angles and be open to any possibilities. You may have to move out of your comfort zone, but you’ll learn from your difficulties. Often we close ourselves off from escape routes because we’re too frightened to try something different. It’s people who are willing to take new directions or think ‘out of the box’ who tend to bounce back from life’s setbacks.

Remember that the way we feel about life and ourselves is not so much because of what happens to us, as because of the way we respond. Resolve to be more resilient and transform hardship into challenge or failure into success. Don’t be a victim, be a survivor!