FRIEND OR FOE?

Are your friends good for you? Sometimes we end up having relationships with people who subtly sabotage us. They’re usually well-intentioned but they have their own issues and it can have a negative effect on your life. Here are some of the friends who may be foes in disguise:

Dream suffocators
These people believe they’re protecting you from disappointment. They attempt to dissuade you from trying to fulfil your dreams. Don’t tell them too much about what you dream about doing or achieving.

Negative Moaners
These complainers constantly bring you down because they always list their woes and negative thoughts, wanting you to join in and agree. Don’t join in. Consciously aim to be positive when you’re with them.

Puppeteers
A lot of people want to live their lives through others. They manipulate you into doing what they believe is the right thing. The best way to deal with them is not to ask for their advice.

Competitors
These people have their own fears and feel threatened by your confidence and talents. They try to undermine you while seeming to be helpful and concerned. It’s best to avoid this type if you can and at least try not to confide in them.

Living in the past
Some people constantly remind you of your past mistakes. They don’t seem to realise that you’ve changed and moved forward. They’re scared you’ll leave them behind, so they try to hold you back. If possible help them move forward with you.

Occasionally you need to leave really bad relationships behind you if they’re undermining you. In most cases though, it’s a question of being careful about what you share with whom. Remember that they have their own opinions which aren’t necessarily right for you. If possible surround yourself with as many positive, upbeat friends as you can.

RULES TO A HAPPY LIFE

Rule One - You will receive a body, which you might love or hate but it's yours for life, so learn to love and accept it. The important thing is what’s inside.

Rule Two - You will be presented with lessons. Life is a constant learning experience giving each of us individually, opportunities to learn more every day. Learning those lessons helps you understand the meaning and relevance of your own life.

Rule Three - There are no mistakes, only lessons. Your development towards wisdom is a journey of experimentation, trial and error. Sometimes things won’t go according to plan or turn out how you want. Compassion and forgiveness allow you to deal with harsh treatment and help erase leftover emotions. Learning to behave fairly to all, with integrity and humour and learning to laugh at yourself and your own mishaps will all help you see that ‘mistakes' are simply lessons we have to learn.

Rule Four - The lesson is repeated until learned. Problems, challenges, irritations and frustrations are also lessons, which will repeat until you see them as such and learn from them. Your own awareness and your ability to change will help you deal with these setbacks. Accept that you are not a victim of fate or circumstance but things happen to you because of the sort of person you are and what you do. To blame anyone or anything else for your misfortunes is escape and denial. Only you are responsible for you and what happens to you. You need to be patient because change doesn't happen quickly. Give it time to happen.

Rule Five - Learning does not end. There are lessons to be learned all through your life. It’s the rhythm of life and there’s no point in struggling against it. Decide that you will learn and change constantly. Acknowledge your weaknesses, and be flexible enough to adapt to change. This will give you access to the freedom of new possibilities.

Rule Six - "There" is no better than "here". The grass is not necessarily greener and being somewhere else is not the key to endless happiness. Be grateful for and enjoy what you have, and where you are. Appreciate all the good things in your life, rather than pay too much attention to things that will not actually lead to happiness. Living in the present will help you feel happier.

Rule Seven - Others are only mirrors of you. Whatever you love or hate about another person is what you love or hate about yourself. Be tolerant, accept others as they are, and try to be self-aware. Try to truly understand and have an objective perception of your thoughts and feelings. Negative experiences are opportunities to learn more about yourself and your emotions. Support others, because in that way you support yourself. If you feel unable to support others it shows that you are not looking after your own needs.

Rule Eight - What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need and what you do with them is up to you. Take responsibility for yourself. Learn to let go when you cannot change things. Don't get angry because bad thoughts and memories will only clutter your mind. Be strong and use your courage and adventurous spirit to do what you know is right for you.

Rule Nine - The answers lie inside you. Trust your instincts and intuition. Listen to feelings as well as sounds. Look, listen, and trust yourself. Draw on your natural inspiration.

Rule Ten - You will forget all this at birth. We are born with these capabilities, but our early experiences lead us away from our spiritual selves. We grow doubtful, cynical and lack belief and confidence. The ten Rules are universal truths that apply to us all. Aspire to be wise. Wisdom knows no limits other than those you impose on yourself.

(Based on the 10 Rules of life by Cherie Carter-Scott)

ATTRACTING WHAT YOU WANT

I talked about luck and being lucky in a previous post. Now I want to ask everyone about the Law of Attraction, which is what luck is all about. The Law of Attraction says that we all guide ourselves by the same universal laws. Basically this means that everything that happens in your life is attracted by your thoughts and energy.

Answer these questions:

1. Are you in a happy relationship?

2. Do you have close friends?

3. How are your finances?

4. Do you get on well with your family?

5. Do you enjoy your work?

6. Do you like your body?

7. Do you feel fit and healthy?

8. Do you have a spiritual belief?

Okay. Think over the answers that immediately came into your mind. Those are the thoughts that govern what you're attracting to your life. If they're not happy positive thoughts then you need to make some changes in the way you're thinking. Even if you're sceptical about this isn't it worth a try?

Consciously change your thoughts for a while and see if it makes a difference. First, try not to dwell on the negative aspects of your life. Instead concentrate on the positive. See the good in everything. For example: mistakes are learning experiences. Summarise all the good things in your life. Write them down if it helps. Then take a look at them. How can you use them to plan a more positive future? Start to direct your thoughts towards the things that make you happy.

Look at yourself objectively and write down all your good qualities, the qualities other people admire about you, your achievements (big or small) and the things that make you feel passionate. Take a look at what you've written. This is your essential nature. Remind yourself of this several times a day.

Imagine how you want your life to be. Envisage it in detail and think about it for a few minutes every day. Stick up pictures of the things that epitomise the lifestyle you want, the partner you want or the job you want. Make some plans to achieve those things, even if they're small goals, such as using your time more efficiently.

See what happens in your life if you do this for a few months. You'll be amazed at how all sorts of things come into your life to help you achieve what you want. Try it and see and let me know how you get on!

LONELY?

There are times of the year when a lot of people feel especially lonely: Christmas, birthdays or Valentines Day for example. It feels as though everybody else has friends except you. You feel empty and alienated from everybody. Someone wrote: 'loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty'. It's a depressing way to feel and yet so many of us have felt it at one time or another. In many ways it's part of being a human. The good news is that there are ways of dealing with loneliness and finding a way forward.

When you feel lonely all sorts of thoughts start to build up in your mind. You feel isolated and disconnected from everybody, which makes you feel socially inadequate. This leads to low self-esteem and a belief that there is something wrong with you. Gradually you become distanced from your surroundings, shy and scared with other people, anxious, sad and reluctant to try anything new. It's like being a tortoise hiding in your shell. The difficulty is that all these things make it harder to drag yourself out of the rut and move forward.

Okay, so what can you do about it? Let's start with what you should NOT do! Hiding away physically and not going out, or drinking too much, taking drugs, or sleeping all the time don't work. In fact they just make you feel worse and your self-esteem sinks to even lower depths, so if you're doing any of those things then stop at once. Resolve to start changing your life today.
First, assess your circumstances. What is making you feel lonely and why? There are several different reasons why people start to feel isolated:

Living on your own
Living far from family and friends
Finding it difficult to socialise
Feeling as though there is nobody you can connect with
Being physically restricted from meeting people by illness, lack of transport etc.

Now tackle your particular situation. If it's because you have recently come out of a relationship or been bereaved, then accept that it will take some time to recover. Treat this as a grieving period and visit the many websites that help you deal with grief. Read them and find other people going through the same thing. There are forums where you can talk to each other. There's nothing like a problem shared to make you feel better!

Perhaps you've moved to a new area because of work and know nobody there. Maybe you live in a city and find it difficult to meet people. Even when you're in a relationship you can feel very alone.

Whatever the reason, loneliness is something that happens inside you and the best way to overcome it is to learn to be happy within yourself and about yourself. It IS possible to be happy in a mostly solitary situation, although we do all need emotional connections with other human beings as well. So, you need to work on two things: learning to appreciate yourself for the wonderful person you are, and communicating in an emotional sense with others. The latter means making contact with people. I know this is hard when you're feeling down and you may have to make an effort to begin with, but after a while the benefits will far outweigh the effort and you'll find your initial anxiety will quickly disappear as you begin to have a good time.

Start by identifying some of the things you enjoy doing or are interested in, or even something you've always wanted to learn to do. Even if they appear to be solitary there will be other people out there who enjoy doing the same things. The secret to comfortable socialising is finding like-minded people. Go out and join some clubs or attend some courses. Volunteer for a charity that interests you. If you're worried about talking to other people remember this: being a good listener is a much valued and rare trait which makes you universally liked, so you don't need to worry if you can't think of much to say!

Have you thought about getting a pet? It's been proven that having an animal companion helps immeasurably. If you can't or don't have a dog or cat, think about something smaller, like a bird or hamster. You can talk to them, handle them and care for them and they are fantastic companions. You can also use your computer and websites to make contact with like-minded people. There are millions of people online who are lonely and seeking someone to talk to. Search around for people with your interests and start emailing. Some of those people will become your friends.

Other things you can do that will help are: changing your routine, writing a diary or a book, listening to music, painting, or watching comedy on TV. Anything that gives you a sense of communication will help to lift your mood. Smiling and laughing is highly infectious and very healthy.

In fact, wherever you go, smile at people! Try an experiment: go out one day and smile at everyone you talk to and everyone you make eye contact with. It'll make you feel good and you'll find people respond, smile back and often talk to you too.

Start to focus on what a great person you are. Make a list of all the positive things people have said about you and of all the things that you do well, however small they seem. Write yourself an affirmation. It really does work. Write something along the lines of 'I'm a worthwhile and highly visible person. I don't need anybody else to make me happy. I make myself happy'. Say this to yourself several times a day and you'll find your mood will gradually change.

Look at being on your own as a positive thing. It gives you time to concentrate on yourself and question what you want and need from life. After all, you and you alone can make yourself happy. Nobody else can do it for you. I'm not suggesting that you shut yourself off from others. We all need people in our lives, but the happier you are within yourself and with being a solitary person, the more people will be attracted to you and the more friends you'll make. I promise!

Keep busy doing things that genuinely interest you or that you feel passionate about and become emotionally involved with whatever you decide to do. Developing self-sufficiency can take a while, but it's worth the effort. Above all, don't be scared to ask other people for help, whoever they are. You'll be bowled over by how positively people respond. Others are usually extremely flattered to be asked for help or advice and sometimes they're just as lonely as you are and equally scared of approaching people, so why not take the initiative? Go on....get out there. Change your life !

JUST YOUR LUCK?

Let's talk about luck. Do you consider yourself lucky or unlucky and why? Let me know your thoughts. It's an interesting concept. I'd love to hear any stories of how bad luck turned into good luck or vice versa. People often don't see the good luck because they're so preoccupied with what seems like bad luck.

The definition of good luck describes it as something that's beyond our control; 'An unknown and unpredictable phenomenon that leads to a favourable outcome'. However, I'm not so sure. Let's take a couple of examples. What about someone who's made redundant from their job? At first it seems like a huge insurmountable problem, but if you're the type of person who looks for alternatives it could mean you have the opportunity to start working in a field that makes you happier, or else start your own business doing what you truly love.

Then there's the example of being stuck in a traffic jam. So many of us rage away about the traffic and become highly stressed. It may seem like bad luck to be sitting there stationary for several hours, but what if it means you miss a plane or train that crashes? You could say that in both instances the bad luck becomes good.

Dr Richard Wiseman (the author of The Luck Factor) found in his studies that our thoughts and behaviour affect much of what happens to us. It seems that 'lucky' people create their own luck. It's largely to do with the way you see life. The good news is that we can all learn to be more lucky. There are four basic ways you can do this:

• Listen to your intuition when making decisions.
• Embrace new experiences and breaks in normal routine so that you will create and see chance opportunities.
• Give some thought each day to things that have gone well in your life and realise that sometimes what seemed like bad luck turned out to be good.
• Expect to be lucky. Have positive expectations and visualise things going well before you do them.

So called lucky people are people who have good self-esteem and self-awareness. This means they are more able to convince other people that they're worthy of help and more able to achieve what they want in life. They tell themselves they are worthy and deserve the best. They believe they are entitled to good luck and they therefore often go along with the unexplainable things that happen, knowing that the overall outcome will be good.

To put yourself in the right frame of mind for good luck you need to appreciate yourself. Think of all your strengths. Are you a good helper, a good listener, a good friend? Do you surround yourself with individuals who appreciate you? Sometimes people unintentionally fill you with negative thoughts about yourself. Try to avoid them. Look at what you think of as negative experiences in your life and realise that they almost always teach you life lessons that have benefited you.

Being successful is in the mind of the achiever. Make sure that you recognise success in your life, whatever other people might think. My daughter is frightened of heights, but she managed to do a sky dive and to her that is one of the major successes in her life.

Let me know what you think and here are some great 'good luck' quotations:

'Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.' (Seneca)

'I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.' (Thomas Jefferson)

'We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.' (Charles R. Swindell)

'Luck is believing you're lucky.' (Tennessee Williams)

HELP FOR YOU

'Carina was my life coach for nearly four months. When she started to coach me I was going through a particularly traumatic time in my life, having had cancer, being made redundant and going through the angst of the break up of a three year relationship. I was terribly low. Carina coached me through and resurrected the confidence and self-esteem I had lost. I now feel more able to cope with day to day life and I would recommend anyone having problems, whatever they might be, to consider life coaching with Carina.'
Trisha, U.K.

'I achieved more in the twelve weeks I was being coached by Carina than I had in years of trying on my own. It was great to have someone who was supportive and encouraging, but also so skillful and caring. We discussed the things I wanted to achieve and looked at new ways of doing things and new ways of thinking, which made all the difference. I have made real changes in my life that I know I wouldn't have achieved without her.'
Robert, U.K.

'I first started life coaching with Carina after my mum died. I felt unhappy with pretty much every aspect of my life and negative about everything.....Eight months down the line and I feel great! I now know what I want to do with my future and I'm going to Leeds University. Carina helped me focus on my positive qualities and channel them the best way for my future.'
Kate, U.K.

'Your life coaching skills helped me through a very difficult and complex time in my life. You were always available with incredible insight and support and have an amazing knack for seeing the wood through the trees!'
Lorna, New Zealand

WHAT IS LIFE COACHING?

People often ask me what life coaching is. In fact there are a variety of types of life coaching and many of them revolve around the business environment. However, I'm more of a personal person!

The essence of life coaching is advising, supporting and encouraging people to find their way forward to lead a life they really want. The word 'coach' is one I hate, because it doesn't really describe what we do, but nobody has come up with a better word yet (all suggestions welcome!). The world is an increasingly complex place with lots of choices and too much happening. We don't get time to stop and think what's actually best for us or those around us, or else we know we're not happy but can't quite put a finger on why. We have negative thoughts about ourselves, worries about the future and fears about the planet. It's extremely stressing and depressing.

A coach is trained to help you discover the person you really are. I work together with my clients to help the client gain some clarity about what he or she needs or wants. This then gives the client confidence to make changes in order to overcome problems and achieve a more fulfilled, better balanced and happier lifestyle.

Why should some stranger help you? Well, I believe that in many ways a life coach does for you what friends, family and people in the community used to do in days gone by. Nowadays we're often living a long way from our childhood friends and family. Many of us have little time to take part in community activities and we often live relatively isolated lives. It's very difficult to find someone to talk to about our troubles and worries and what's in our hearts. A life coach gives you friendly, confidential advice and unbiased guidance and support.

The reason coaching is such a rapidly growing profession is simple: it works. Honestly. It really does. It works for anyone who is wanting to make a positive change in any aspect of their lives, but is not sure how to achieve it. It encompasses relationships, finances, career, spirituality, health and leisure. The great thing is that it can be done face to face, by phone or over the internet, which is why I'm on here!

If you're at all interested then email me at newstart@cyberperk.co.za, and let me see what I can do for you. Go on! You have absolutely nothing to lose and so much to gain!