Nobody likes to be criticized but, like failure, it’s a part of life. The way we handle criticism, both taking it and giving it, is very similar to the way we handle failure and the way we do it is fundamental in helping us maintain our self-worth and relationships. Without an ability to deal with criticism we may be hurt or affect other people badly.
People will criticise you for any number of reasons. Sometimes it’s the truth and sometimes it isn’t, although they will think it is the truth. They may be in a bad mood, or angry and upset by something. Perhaps they’re trying to prove their own worth and self-importance, or maybe they get something out of upsetting other people. Alternatively they may have a good reason to make the criticism, but do it in an insensitive way.
Giving criticism
Most people find it difficult to give criticism truthfully, but it will inevitably happen sometimes and there are ways to criticise without being too hurtful or discouraging:
Be specific. Don’t generalise by saying something like ‘You don’t pull your weight round here’. Instead mention a particular incident when the person wasn’t doing what they should.
Always do it in private. Criticising anyone in front of other people is unnecessarily hurtful. If possible take them to one side or wait until later to explain what they did wrong.
Target the behaviour and not the person. Say ‘Because you didn’t do this, such and such has happened’ not ‘You never listen to what you’re told’.
Choose the right moment. Ideally this should be as soon as you can after the incident, but when you’re calm.
Be polite and diplomatic. There is no reason to be rude or insulting. It will only make the other person defensive. Give constructive suggestions as to how the person could do better in the future.
Don’t forget to balance the negatives with some positive comments. Give some praise about something else.
Try to finish on a light note with some humour if you can.
Always think before you offer criticism. It should be something that helps other people learn and improve, not a way to deflate their self-esteem or make you feel better about yourself. Make sure you’re doing it with the right motives.
Taking criticism
Our first reaction to being criticised is to feel deflated and unhappy, or angry and defensive. However, try to detach yourself, remind yourself that this is somebody else’s opinion, listen to the criticism carefully and consider it before you respond. That way you will feel more in control and less misjudged. Remember that in most cases criticism will give you a chance to learn and improve. Try to deal with it this way:
Don’t take it personally. The criticism is about an aspect of your behaviour, not your entire personality.
Decide what you can learn from it. There is usually at least some truth in criticisms. Take out the truths and discard the rest.
Don’t respond to an angry or confrontational tone of voice. Instead, focus on the suggestions that are being made, or politely ask for suggestions of how you can improve. Detach yourself emotionally.
Remember that criticism can be valuable. If you only ever received false praise you would make no progress. Invite constructive criticism sometimes, to help you improve and develop.
If the criticism is unjustified it’s particularly hurtful, but emain detached and ignore it. If you remain silent and aloof the critic will run out of steam and you retain your dignity. Focus on how insignificant the criticism is.
Another option, if you’re being wrongly criticised, is to disarm the critic by agreeing in some way. You might say ‘I can see this has bothered you,’ ‘You sound upset about this’, or ‘I can see your point of view’. It’s surprising how this calms people down.
If you have tried all these things but a criticism has still managed to upset you, try writing the issue on a piece of paper and putting it away for two or three days. Look at it again when you feel less emotional about it. You should be able to see the incident more objectively.
Some people are highly criticised all the time because of the work they do, for example celebrities, writers, musicians, politicians and so on. Most of them deal with it by realising that it’s either untrue so best forgotten, or else it’s just someone’s opinion and best forgotten. Either way, always remind yourself of who you really are and what you’ve achieved and don’t allow criticism to affect your self-esteem. There will always be more positive aspects to you than negative.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
HIGHLY SENSITIVE?
‘Do not confuse peace of mind with insensitivity. A truly peaceful mind is very sensitive, very aware.’
(14th Dalai Lama: Tenzin Gvatso)
Were you labelled ‘shy’ or ‘sensitive’ as a child? Do you find you need time on your own? Are social occasions a trial for you?
Research in the last ten years has shown that 15% to 20% of people are ‘highly sensitive’. A lot of people are hugely relieved when they find out that they’re not really weird or misfits, but that they have a more developed sensory system than most people. In babies this often shows up as colic, in toddlers as nervousness or insecurity. In older children it’s sometimes described as shyness or being a bookworm or a loner. Adults may be introverted. Some people manage to hide their sensitivity and can be socially extrovert, but they will need time and space alone to recover from social interactions.
Being highly sensitive is usually inherited. These people are often affected by other people’s moods. They tend to be conscientious and meticulous and overwhelmed by chaos and clutter. They are ill at ease with loud noise, bright lights, crowds and lack of routine. They need plenty of time alone to regain their equilibrium and plenty of sleep to recharge their energy. They are frequently creative, spiritual and intuitive.
Often these people feel they ‘don’t belong’ because they don’t fit the outgoing ideals of modern society. They grow up thinking there’s something wrong with them because outwardly everybody else appears to cope more easily with daily life.
If you’re highly sensitive you need to acknowledge it and begin to develop boundaries for safety and comfort. Learn to accept who you are. If you prefer long walks alone rather than going to the gym, then do what makes you happiest. If you find big crowds overwhelming and tiring, then avoid them as much as you can. You don’t have to be a social butterfly; you might have a few good close friends and enjoy doing simple things with them. You don’t have to be team oriented. If you work better alone accept it and try to put yourself in that sort of environment. You don’t have to keep everybody else happy by doing things that don’t suit you. Explain how you feel and say ‘no’ if necessary.
Remember, we can’t all be strong, tough extroverts. Historically highly sensitive people were the advisors and mentors for kings and warriors. There has to be a balance of both types in the world. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re highly sensitive. If you’re unhappy about it, it’s probably because you’ve been trying all this time to be like other people. Don’t. Just be you and go with the flow of what makes you feel comfortable.
(If you want to know more about this subject read The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron).
(14th Dalai Lama: Tenzin Gvatso)
Were you labelled ‘shy’ or ‘sensitive’ as a child? Do you find you need time on your own? Are social occasions a trial for you?
Research in the last ten years has shown that 15% to 20% of people are ‘highly sensitive’. A lot of people are hugely relieved when they find out that they’re not really weird or misfits, but that they have a more developed sensory system than most people. In babies this often shows up as colic, in toddlers as nervousness or insecurity. In older children it’s sometimes described as shyness or being a bookworm or a loner. Adults may be introverted. Some people manage to hide their sensitivity and can be socially extrovert, but they will need time and space alone to recover from social interactions.
Being highly sensitive is usually inherited. These people are often affected by other people’s moods. They tend to be conscientious and meticulous and overwhelmed by chaos and clutter. They are ill at ease with loud noise, bright lights, crowds and lack of routine. They need plenty of time alone to regain their equilibrium and plenty of sleep to recharge their energy. They are frequently creative, spiritual and intuitive.
Often these people feel they ‘don’t belong’ because they don’t fit the outgoing ideals of modern society. They grow up thinking there’s something wrong with them because outwardly everybody else appears to cope more easily with daily life.
If you’re highly sensitive you need to acknowledge it and begin to develop boundaries for safety and comfort. Learn to accept who you are. If you prefer long walks alone rather than going to the gym, then do what makes you happiest. If you find big crowds overwhelming and tiring, then avoid them as much as you can. You don’t have to be a social butterfly; you might have a few good close friends and enjoy doing simple things with them. You don’t have to be team oriented. If you work better alone accept it and try to put yourself in that sort of environment. You don’t have to keep everybody else happy by doing things that don’t suit you. Explain how you feel and say ‘no’ if necessary.
Remember, we can’t all be strong, tough extroverts. Historically highly sensitive people were the advisors and mentors for kings and warriors. There has to be a balance of both types in the world. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re highly sensitive. If you’re unhappy about it, it’s probably because you’ve been trying all this time to be like other people. Don’t. Just be you and go with the flow of what makes you feel comfortable.
(If you want to know more about this subject read The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron).
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
PEOPLE PLEASING
I was talking to one of my clients about her problems with her family, who are very demanding of her. It was obvious that she had great difficulty in saying ‘no’ to people and is something of a people pleaser. We all like to please other people to an extent, but for some of us it goes too far and creates problems in our lives. Do any of the following apply to you?
I try to be what people want me to be
I don’t like to rock the boat
Often I’m not sure what I want
I rarely speak my mind
I rarely openly disagree with other people’s opinions
I dream of a strong person taking over my life to help me
I find it hard to say ‘no’
I repress my anger
I don’t take the initiative
I go along with things to keep people happy
I rarely express how I really feel
If some of these statements are true of you, then you’re probably a people pleaser. Although they don’t do it consciously, people pleasers want to keep other people happy in order to avoid some kind of reaction that unsettles them. They have usually grown up in a home where, for some reason, their needs and feelings were not properly valued or considered important, or other members of their family may have had greater needs, or perhaps been angry a lot of the time. For example if they grew up with a depressive, violent or alcoholic parent, or perhaps with a disabled or troubled sibling. They may also have been praised when they were compliant and punished when they were assertive, or else they could have been neglected or abused as children, which taught them that their needs and feelings were not important.
A typical people pleaser puts everybody else’s needs first. They tend to too much for others and not much for themselves. If they do something for themselves they feel selfish and guilty. They try to avoid conflict and don’t want to upset other people. They want to be liked and approved of by everyone, so they tend to become whatever they believe other people want. Their feeling of worth is dependent on doing whatever anyone asks them to do or being what they think other people want.
If you recognise yourself in this description then you probably have an inner feeling of emptiness and/or deep feelings of anger and resentment that you rarely show. You probably have a tendency to expect others to help you without being asked and when they don’t, you feel let down and sad. Sometimes it’s only in certain situations we become people pleasers. It may only occur within your relationship, or only at work, or only with men, or only with women.
The first step to sorting it out is to try to identify what you’re gaining from people pleasing. What is it that you’re looking for? Is it love, acceptance, praise, approval? What are you afraid might happen if you don’t please someone or what pain are you protecting yourself from? Is it anger, rejection, loneliness, abandonment, criticism? Once you have some idea of what’s making you do it, start to notice how you feel inside when you’re being compliant. Does it make you feel happy or sad, resentful or grateful?
Start to assert yourself in small ways. Learn to express your thoughts, or anger or opinions. Recognise that we all have different ideas about things and your ideas and opinions are as worthy as someone else’s. Try to spend more time with the people who know and accept you as you are so that you can teach yourself to be yourself all the time. Learn to protect yourself from being controlled by others.
Practise saying ‘no’ as often as you can. Try saying phrases like ‘No, I won’t be able to do that,’ or ‘No, I don’t agree with that,’ over and over to yourself. Use the word ‘no’ in simple situations to begin with and work up to using it in harder circumstances. Teach yourself phrases that suit your personality and express what you really want to say.
Instead of immediately saying ‘yes’ to people, try saying something like ‘Can I think about that and let you know?’. Give yourself time to decide whether you really want to do something or not and how you will say ‘no’ if that’s what you decide.
Begin to do things which are entirely to please yourself. Give yourself half an hour each day to do something that gives you pleasure, such as read, play the piano, listen to music, go for a walk, have a bath etc. Give yourself permission to do this and don’t feel guilty.
Try asking other people to help you with things. Start with small things. You’ll be amazed how much other people will enjoy helping you.
Remember: people like you for who you are and not for what you do, so start learning to be yourself and take it a step at a time.
Friday, December 7, 2007
BEING POSITIVE
Abraham Lincoln said that people are just as happy as they make up their mind to be. If you think negatively and complain and moan about your life you won’t be happy. It’s a fact. We’re able to control the way we think, so start making some changes in your thoughts. Whenever you fee a negative thought coming up try to change it to something positive.
Winners enjoy the beauty and wonder of nature and small everyday things, like the sight of a flower, or the colour of the sky.
Winners are optimistic and upbeat. They make their thoughts encouraging and uplifting and enjoy sharing them with others.
Winners appreciate the present. They know they have learned from the past and they look forward to a future full of promise.
Winners are grateful for what they already have and seek creative ways to obtain whatever else they want or need.
Winners look for opportunities for growth and learning. They look for the positives in any situation so that they can problem-solve quickly.
Winners smile a lot and are enthusiastic about what they experience and who they spend time with.
Winners manage to find some positives even in tragic or difficult circumstances. They find the courage to take the next step to making things better.
Winners know that being happy is their own responsibility. If they start to feel down or irritated they quickly work to turn the situation round.
Winners sweep away negative or pessimistic thoughts and look for the silver lining in every cloud.
Winners enjoy the beauty and wonder of nature and small everyday things, like the sight of a flower, or the colour of the sky.
Winners are optimistic and upbeat. They make their thoughts encouraging and uplifting and enjoy sharing them with others.
Winners appreciate the present. They know they have learned from the past and they look forward to a future full of promise.
Winners are grateful for what they already have and seek creative ways to obtain whatever else they want or need.
Winners look for opportunities for growth and learning. They look for the positives in any situation so that they can problem-solve quickly.
Winners smile a lot and are enthusiastic about what they experience and who they spend time with.
Winners manage to find some positives even in tragic or difficult circumstances. They find the courage to take the next step to making things better.
Winners know that being happy is their own responsibility. If they start to feel down or irritated they quickly work to turn the situation round.
Winners sweep away negative or pessimistic thoughts and look for the silver lining in every cloud.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
GUILTY!
Guilt is a peculiar emotion. Often there’s no good reason for it and, if you think about it, it’s those who love and care the most that tend to feel the most guilty. After all, if you don’t care about hurting people or doing the wrong thing, then you’re not going to feel guilty are you?
The interesting thing about guilt is that it’s created by our own imaginations. It’s based on what we inwardly believe is right or wrong, which depends on many factors about our personalities. Fundamentally it’s a nagging in your head that you have let someone down, or let yourself down and failed in some way. We then punish ourselves for our perceived wrongdoing and end up feeling sad, depressed or angry. In severe cases it leads people on a path to self-destruction. What do we feel guilty about? Typically it’s things like saying ‘no’ to helping a friend, not spending enough time with an elderly relative or the kids, shopping for ourselves and seeing ourselves as selfish, forgetting something important to someone else, eating the wrong foods because we’re supposed to be on a diet, not walking the dog, not pulling your weight at work, etc. etc.
Sometimes there are deeper reasons we feel guilty, after a divorce or bereavement, for example, but the emotions have the same quality about them: The guilt is illogical, created by your internal dialogue. You’re being your own judge and jury and it’s your own perception of the situation that makes you feel bad. Other people would see it entirely differently.
I should also mention the type of guilt that’s induced in us by others. There are some people who manipulate situations, trying to shift responsibility to others, in order to control them, or make them do what they want them to do. If someone does this to you, then step back and look at it objectively. Refuse to take on the responsibility. If someone does this to you a lot, then it’s time to think about distancing yourself from the relationship.
What can you do about feeling guilty? Firstly, acknowledge that it’s healthy to have a little guilt and learn to tolerate the minor guilt pangs you may have. However, if your guilty feelings are making you feel really down or angry, then you need to work on them. In either case these tips should help:
- Write down what you think you did wrong. Then write down the emotions you were feeling when it happened. It helps you see more clearly why you did what you did. It’s then much easier to correct the problem so that it doesn’t happen again.
- Remember that you’ve usually argued yourself illogically into feeling guilty, so use those same internal dialogues consciously and logically to argue the guilt away.
- Imagine you’re talking to a friend in the same situation. What would you say to them? How would you advise them? Be your own friend.
- Learn to forgive yourself. It doesn’t mean you’re excusing what you did or what happened, but it’s pointless to go on punishing yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Make a note of what you’ve learned from the experience and then stop attacking yourself.
- Take responsibility for what made you feel guilty. That doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It means accepting that something happened for a reason. Try saying: ‘I did the best I could in the situation with the time and skills I had.’
- Don’t feel guilty if you look after your needs as well as looking after those of your partner or children. Work out specifically what you need and then negotiate with your nearest and dearest to fit it into your life. Then stop feeling guilty about it. If you’re happier the family will be happier.
There are times in life when it’s inevitable we’ll hurt people. For example, if we leave a relationship because we’re miserable. Sometimes one person’s gain is another’s loss, but you shouldn’t do something that’s bad for you just because you don’t want to upset someone else. It will lead you to being angry, resentful and depressed, which will make the whole situation worse in the long run and cause unhappiness all round. Accept that there are dilemmas like this in life, and don’t let the guilt paralyse you.
I’m not saying that we should go round doing whatever we want and not care about hurting other people, but in many cases the people who feel laden with guilt have no reason to do so. Guilt is caused by our experiences and self-beliefs. Sometimes it’s good, because it reminds us of how we should be behaving, but more often it’s bad, because it isn’t based in reality. Learn to identify the difference. Forgive yourself, make amends, release yourself and move on.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
DO YOU EMPATHISE?
'Some people think only intellect counts: knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion and empathy.'
We’ve all been in situations where we’ve needed some support. Not necessarily practical help, but a friendly smile, a shoulder to lean on and some understanding. If we’re lucky we know someone who can give us the support we need, but a great many people are unable to provide the shoulder or the understanding. They’re uncomfortable with the situation and have a tendency to belittle or reject others’ emotions. These are the people who don’t know how to empathise.
Empathy is a crucial part of our make-up as human beings. In recent years researchers have become aware of just how important emotional intelligence (EI) is, and empathy is a direct off-shoot of emotional intelligence. Those with a high EI are the most empathetic, particularly if they’re sensitive. These are the people who are in touch with their own feelings. If you’ve experienced a wide range of emotions in your own life, you’re more able to recall those feelings from your memory and imagine how someone else might be feeling.
Unfortunately being emotionally intelligent has only recently been considered of value. For a long time being intellectual was deemed more important. However, research has shown that it’s the emotionally intelligent who are usually the most happy and successful in life. Being empathetic makes you more likeable, so you make friends more easily and it also helps you in your work. In nearly every job there is a need to communicate well with people and in jobs such as marketing, customer service, medicine etc. empathy can be vital to success because you are able to identify with what your clients or customers are feeling. The person who empathises is bound to do better than someone who is less able to understand the emotions of others. This might seem obvious, but think back to people you’ve met professionally (doctors, dentists, salesmen etc.) who have annoyed or irritated you because they don’t seem to understand how you are feeling. They were the ones who were unable to empathise.
What exactly is empathy? A good description is ‘engaged detachment’. Psychiatrist Alberta Szalita described it as: ‘consideration of another person’s feelings and readiness to respond to his or her needs…without making his or her burden one’s own.’ It’s an acknowledgment of how someone feels, whether disappointed, joyous or sad, but it doesn’t necessarily mean embroiling yourself in solving any problems, or feeling affected emotionally yourself.
People who can’t empathise say things like ‘pull yourself together’, ‘time will heal’, ‘I told you so’ or ‘there’s plenty of fish in the sea’, none of which helps you feel better and all of which allow them to keep their distance emotionally. We are all born with an ability to empathise. Think how toddlers react if one of their group is upset or hurt. They become subdued and worried and will often move close to the crying or angry toddler, touching or hugging them to make it known they understand. However, as we grow older we begin to be more concerned about looking after ourselves. If our circumstances are particularly difficult during our childhood we will be too preoccupied with defending ourselves to be able to feel empathy for someone else. Circumstances like being overly criticized, disapproved of, bullied, humiliated, ignored and so on, will all have an effect on the way we empathise as we grow up. If we have experienced an enormous amount of pain we will shut ourselves off from our emotions as a survival technique or defence mechanism.
If you’re someone who finds it difficult to empathise, then you probably have good defence mechanisms in place. Unfortunately this also shuts you off from other people emotionally, which can become a very lonely place to be. However, it’s possible to teach and learn empathy and it’s certainly an ability well worth possessing in terms of life happiness. In fact all parents should make it one of the most important things to teach their children.
An enormous amount of empathy is based on non-verbal clues, like facial expressions and body language. Begin to study how other people react in emotional situations. Watch their eyes, the way they sit and move and what they do with their hands. Try to understand what they’re feeling and relate it to something you’ve felt in the past. Remember how you felt at times when you were nervous, angry, frightened, disappointed or overjoyed. Write those emotions down so that they have an identifiable name and relive them in your imagination. The next time someone explains to you how they’re feeling spend a few moments imagining that feeling. If you haven’t experienced the same circumstances then try to think of something that made you feel similar emotionally.
Learn to recognize your own emotions. Whenever you’re feeling angry or upset stop and think about what’s going on your mind. Acknowledge your feelings and accept them. By identifying how you feel and what has made you feel that way you’ll be a step nearer to understanding other people. Take note of both physical and emotional aspects of the feelings, so that you will recognize them in other people.
The fundamental steps of empathy are:
1.Recognising a strong feeling in someone (fear, anger, grief, disappointment). If you’re not sure what it is they’re experiencing, try asking the person ‘how do you feel?’
2.Imagining or remembering how it feels. Draw on your own experiences, or on items you’ve read or films you’ve seen. (Actors have to be excellent empathizers).
3.Stating the way you understand the person’s feelings. Talk to them using phrases such as: ‘I can imagine…’, ‘I can understand…, ‘It sounds as if…’.
4.Legitimizing the feeling by helping the person realize that it’s okay and normal to have these feelings.
5.Respecting how the person is trying to deal with the feelings. Don’t belittle their emotions or use sweeping statements.
6.Offering support in terms of being ready to listen and understand, to give a hug or some helpful advice.
It’s not something you can learn overnight, but in time you’ll be empathising without having to think about it consciously. It’s an enormously helpful communications tool and also makes you feel good, so go out there and practise!
We’ve all been in situations where we’ve needed some support. Not necessarily practical help, but a friendly smile, a shoulder to lean on and some understanding. If we’re lucky we know someone who can give us the support we need, but a great many people are unable to provide the shoulder or the understanding. They’re uncomfortable with the situation and have a tendency to belittle or reject others’ emotions. These are the people who don’t know how to empathise.
Empathy is a crucial part of our make-up as human beings. In recent years researchers have become aware of just how important emotional intelligence (EI) is, and empathy is a direct off-shoot of emotional intelligence. Those with a high EI are the most empathetic, particularly if they’re sensitive. These are the people who are in touch with their own feelings. If you’ve experienced a wide range of emotions in your own life, you’re more able to recall those feelings from your memory and imagine how someone else might be feeling.
Unfortunately being emotionally intelligent has only recently been considered of value. For a long time being intellectual was deemed more important. However, research has shown that it’s the emotionally intelligent who are usually the most happy and successful in life. Being empathetic makes you more likeable, so you make friends more easily and it also helps you in your work. In nearly every job there is a need to communicate well with people and in jobs such as marketing, customer service, medicine etc. empathy can be vital to success because you are able to identify with what your clients or customers are feeling. The person who empathises is bound to do better than someone who is less able to understand the emotions of others. This might seem obvious, but think back to people you’ve met professionally (doctors, dentists, salesmen etc.) who have annoyed or irritated you because they don’t seem to understand how you are feeling. They were the ones who were unable to empathise.
What exactly is empathy? A good description is ‘engaged detachment’. Psychiatrist Alberta Szalita described it as: ‘consideration of another person’s feelings and readiness to respond to his or her needs…without making his or her burden one’s own.’ It’s an acknowledgment of how someone feels, whether disappointed, joyous or sad, but it doesn’t necessarily mean embroiling yourself in solving any problems, or feeling affected emotionally yourself.
People who can’t empathise say things like ‘pull yourself together’, ‘time will heal’, ‘I told you so’ or ‘there’s plenty of fish in the sea’, none of which helps you feel better and all of which allow them to keep their distance emotionally. We are all born with an ability to empathise. Think how toddlers react if one of their group is upset or hurt. They become subdued and worried and will often move close to the crying or angry toddler, touching or hugging them to make it known they understand. However, as we grow older we begin to be more concerned about looking after ourselves. If our circumstances are particularly difficult during our childhood we will be too preoccupied with defending ourselves to be able to feel empathy for someone else. Circumstances like being overly criticized, disapproved of, bullied, humiliated, ignored and so on, will all have an effect on the way we empathise as we grow up. If we have experienced an enormous amount of pain we will shut ourselves off from our emotions as a survival technique or defence mechanism.
If you’re someone who finds it difficult to empathise, then you probably have good defence mechanisms in place. Unfortunately this also shuts you off from other people emotionally, which can become a very lonely place to be. However, it’s possible to teach and learn empathy and it’s certainly an ability well worth possessing in terms of life happiness. In fact all parents should make it one of the most important things to teach their children.
An enormous amount of empathy is based on non-verbal clues, like facial expressions and body language. Begin to study how other people react in emotional situations. Watch their eyes, the way they sit and move and what they do with their hands. Try to understand what they’re feeling and relate it to something you’ve felt in the past. Remember how you felt at times when you were nervous, angry, frightened, disappointed or overjoyed. Write those emotions down so that they have an identifiable name and relive them in your imagination. The next time someone explains to you how they’re feeling spend a few moments imagining that feeling. If you haven’t experienced the same circumstances then try to think of something that made you feel similar emotionally.
Learn to recognize your own emotions. Whenever you’re feeling angry or upset stop and think about what’s going on your mind. Acknowledge your feelings and accept them. By identifying how you feel and what has made you feel that way you’ll be a step nearer to understanding other people. Take note of both physical and emotional aspects of the feelings, so that you will recognize them in other people.
The fundamental steps of empathy are:
1.Recognising a strong feeling in someone (fear, anger, grief, disappointment). If you’re not sure what it is they’re experiencing, try asking the person ‘how do you feel?’
2.Imagining or remembering how it feels. Draw on your own experiences, or on items you’ve read or films you’ve seen. (Actors have to be excellent empathizers).
3.Stating the way you understand the person’s feelings. Talk to them using phrases such as: ‘I can imagine…’, ‘I can understand…, ‘It sounds as if…’.
4.Legitimizing the feeling by helping the person realize that it’s okay and normal to have these feelings.
5.Respecting how the person is trying to deal with the feelings. Don’t belittle their emotions or use sweeping statements.
6.Offering support in terms of being ready to listen and understand, to give a hug or some helpful advice.
It’s not something you can learn overnight, but in time you’ll be empathising without having to think about it consciously. It’s an enormously helpful communications tool and also makes you feel good, so go out there and practise!
Monday, October 22, 2007
DREAMS AND AMBITIONS
‘Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great’. (Mark Twain)
What are your dreams and ambitions? Most of us have a vague idea of the things we want to do in our lives, but we plod along on a course through life that isn’t what we wanted. We’re not sure how to change track and often lose sight of what we dreamed of in our youth. Sometimes our youthful dreams are interrupted or stifled by well-meaning parents or circumstances. We end up in a job we don’t enjoy, raising a family and none of it is quite what we had in mind. We make excuses: I don’t have the time, or the money, or the training. In fact we all have choices. You can achieve your dreams. Obviously there may be situations where it’s difficult, but even if we can achieve our ambitions in a small way, we’re happier because of it.
The first step is to identify what you want. The dreams and ambitions you had in your youth may be very different later in life, or pared down into something more realistic. Sometimes we choose dreams for the wrong reasons. If you’re lacking in motivation, then you’re probably going after the wrong thing. Consider what you really want out of your life. What motivates you and makes you happy? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your beliefs and values? What kind of person do you want to be? What would you like to change about your life?
If necessary divide your life into categories and look at each one separately. Ask yourself if you’re achieving what you want in each category. These could be something like: creative, career, qualifications, family, finances, spiritual, physical, social and community.
There will probably be one or two that will leap out at you as being particularly unsatisfactory for you. As an example, let’s look at community. Perhaps you often think the world isn’t a very pleasant place. Question what matters to you most. Is it global warming, starving children, education, cruelty to animals or something else that makes you emotional? You can’t change everything, but you can make a small difference in your own way. Sometimes getting involved in a small way leads on to bigger things and affects other aspects of your life too.
Be self-aware. Try to free yourself from what other people might think. Whatever lifestyle is of value to you may be different from your friends’ values. Nobody is right or wrong. It’s a question of choices. Don’t be frightened of failure or that you might make a mistake. It’s natural to feel apprehensive, but see it as a learning process. If something goes wrong, learn from it and move on. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember that you’re no longer stuck in a rut or standing still. You’re exploring and finding out about yourself.
Once you’ve identified some of the things that you want to change, set yourself some goals. They can be small or large. Make sure the goals you choose are what you want, and not what your family or employer wants. It’s often easier to start with small changes that don’t take you too far out of your comfort zone and gradually increase your goals as you feel more comfortable with the changes you’re making.
Give yourself a time frame. It may be to change your job within five years. Be realistic. Allow yourself time to achieve the goal. In the case of changing a job you may want to do some studying to prepare, or you may need to build up something outside your current job until you’re able to change over completely to the new career. Write your goals and plans down and be open to possibilities. Daydream and visualise yourself doing the things you want. Don’t let yourself be distracted. Constantly remind yourself of your goals and check how far you have come. Congratulate yourself on every small step you take.
Don’t be a victim, but take charge of your life. Eventually you’ll be able to stand back and realise that what were once dreams and ambitions have become a reality!
What are your dreams and ambitions? Most of us have a vague idea of the things we want to do in our lives, but we plod along on a course through life that isn’t what we wanted. We’re not sure how to change track and often lose sight of what we dreamed of in our youth. Sometimes our youthful dreams are interrupted or stifled by well-meaning parents or circumstances. We end up in a job we don’t enjoy, raising a family and none of it is quite what we had in mind. We make excuses: I don’t have the time, or the money, or the training. In fact we all have choices. You can achieve your dreams. Obviously there may be situations where it’s difficult, but even if we can achieve our ambitions in a small way, we’re happier because of it.
The first step is to identify what you want. The dreams and ambitions you had in your youth may be very different later in life, or pared down into something more realistic. Sometimes we choose dreams for the wrong reasons. If you’re lacking in motivation, then you’re probably going after the wrong thing. Consider what you really want out of your life. What motivates you and makes you happy? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your beliefs and values? What kind of person do you want to be? What would you like to change about your life?
If necessary divide your life into categories and look at each one separately. Ask yourself if you’re achieving what you want in each category. These could be something like: creative, career, qualifications, family, finances, spiritual, physical, social and community.
There will probably be one or two that will leap out at you as being particularly unsatisfactory for you. As an example, let’s look at community. Perhaps you often think the world isn’t a very pleasant place. Question what matters to you most. Is it global warming, starving children, education, cruelty to animals or something else that makes you emotional? You can’t change everything, but you can make a small difference in your own way. Sometimes getting involved in a small way leads on to bigger things and affects other aspects of your life too.
Be self-aware. Try to free yourself from what other people might think. Whatever lifestyle is of value to you may be different from your friends’ values. Nobody is right or wrong. It’s a question of choices. Don’t be frightened of failure or that you might make a mistake. It’s natural to feel apprehensive, but see it as a learning process. If something goes wrong, learn from it and move on. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember that you’re no longer stuck in a rut or standing still. You’re exploring and finding out about yourself.
Once you’ve identified some of the things that you want to change, set yourself some goals. They can be small or large. Make sure the goals you choose are what you want, and not what your family or employer wants. It’s often easier to start with small changes that don’t take you too far out of your comfort zone and gradually increase your goals as you feel more comfortable with the changes you’re making.
Give yourself a time frame. It may be to change your job within five years. Be realistic. Allow yourself time to achieve the goal. In the case of changing a job you may want to do some studying to prepare, or you may need to build up something outside your current job until you’re able to change over completely to the new career. Write your goals and plans down and be open to possibilities. Daydream and visualise yourself doing the things you want. Don’t let yourself be distracted. Constantly remind yourself of your goals and check how far you have come. Congratulate yourself on every small step you take.
Don’t be a victim, but take charge of your life. Eventually you’ll be able to stand back and realise that what were once dreams and ambitions have become a reality!
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