GUILTY!

Guilt is a peculiar emotion. Often there’s no good reason for it and, if you think about it, it’s those who love and care the most that tend to feel the most guilty. After all, if you don’t care about hurting people or doing the wrong thing, then you’re not going to feel guilty are you?

The interesting thing about guilt is that it’s created by our own imaginations. It’s based on what we inwardly believe is right or wrong, which depends on many factors about our personalities. Fundamentally it’s a nagging in your head that you have let someone down, or let yourself down and failed in some way. We then punish ourselves for our perceived wrongdoing and end up feeling sad, depressed or angry. In severe cases it leads people on a path to self-destruction. What do we feel guilty about? Typically it’s things like saying ‘no’ to helping a friend, not spending enough time with an elderly relative or the kids, shopping for ourselves and seeing ourselves as selfish, forgetting something important to someone else, eating the wrong foods because we’re supposed to be on a diet, not walking the dog, not pulling your weight at work, etc. etc.

Sometimes there are deeper reasons we feel guilty, after a divorce or bereavement, for example, but the emotions have the same quality about them: The guilt is illogical, created by your internal dialogue. You’re being your own judge and jury and it’s your own perception of the situation that makes you feel bad. Other people would see it entirely differently.

I should also mention the type of guilt that’s induced in us by others. There are some people who manipulate situations, trying to shift responsibility to others, in order to control them, or make them do what they want them to do. If someone does this to you, then step back and look at it objectively. Refuse to take on the responsibility. If someone does this to you a lot, then it’s time to think about distancing yourself from the relationship.

What can you do about feeling guilty? Firstly, acknowledge that it’s healthy to have a little guilt and learn to tolerate the minor guilt pangs you may have. However, if your guilty feelings are making you feel really down or angry, then you need to work on them. In either case these tips should help:

1. Write down what you think you did wrong. Then write down the emotions you were feeling when it happened. It helps you see more clearly why you did what you did. It’s then much easier to correct the problem so that it doesn’t happen again.
   
2. Remember that you’ve usually argued yourself illogically into feeling guilty, so use those same internal dialogues consciously and logically to argue the guilt away.
   
3. Imagine you’re talking to a friend in the same situation. What would you say to them? How would you advise them? Be your own friend.
   
4. Learn to forgive yourself. It doesn’t mean you’re excusing what you did or what happened, but it’s pointless to go on punishing yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Make a note of what you’ve learned from the experience and then stop attacking yourself.
   
5. Take responsibility for what made you feel guilty. That doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It means accepting that something happened for a reason. Try saying: ‘I did the best I could in the situation with the time and skills I had.’
   
6. Don’t feel guilty if you look after your needs as well as looking after those of your partner or children. Work out specifically what you need and then negotiate with your nearest and dearest to fit it into your life. Then stop feeling guilty about it. If you’re happier the family will be happier.

There are times in life when it’s inevitable we’ll hurt people. For example, if we leave a relationship because we’re miserable. Sometimes one person’s gain is another’s loss, but you shouldn’t do something that’s bad for you just because you don’t want to upset someone else. It will lead you to being angry, resentful and depressed, which will make the whole situation worse in the long run and cause unhappiness all round. Accept that there are dilemmas like this in life, and don’t let the guilt paralyse you.

I’m not saying that we should go round doing whatever we want and not care about hurting other people, but in many cases the people who feel laden with guilt have no reason to do so. Guilt is caused by our experiences and self-beliefs. Sometimes it’s good, because it reminds us of how we should be behaving, but more often it’s bad, because it isn’t based in reality. Learn to identify the difference. Forgive yourself, make amends, release yourself and move on.

DO YOU EMPATHISE?

'Some people think only intellect counts: knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion and empathy.'



We’ve all been in situations where we’ve needed some support. Not necessarily practical help, but a friendly smile, a shoulder to lean on and some understanding. If we’re lucky we know someone who can give us the support we need, but a great many people are unable to provide the shoulder or the understanding. They’re uncomfortable with the situation and have a tendency to belittle or reject others’ emotions. These are the people who don’t know how to empathise.

Empathy is a crucial part of our make-up as human beings. In recent years researchers have become aware of just how important emotional intelligence (EI) is, and empathy is a direct off-shoot of emotional intelligence. Those with a high EI are the most empathetic, particularly if they’re sensitive. These are the people who are in touch with their own feelings. If you’ve experienced a wide range of emotions in your own life, you’re more able to recall those feelings from your memory and imagine how someone else might be feeling.

Unfortunately being emotionally intelligent has only recently been considered of value. For a long time being intellectual was deemed more important. However, research has shown that it’s the emotionally intelligent who are usually the most happy and successful in life. Being empathetic makes you more likeable, so you make friends more easily and it also helps you in your work. In nearly every job there is a need to communicate well with people and in jobs such as marketing, customer service, medicine etc. empathy can be vital to success because you are able to identify with what your clients or customers are feeling. The person who empathises is bound to do better than someone who is less able to understand the emotions of others. This might seem obvious, but think back to people you’ve met professionally (doctors, dentists, salesmen etc.) who have annoyed or irritated you because they don’t seem to understand how you are feeling. They were the ones who were unable to empathise.

What exactly is empathy? A good description is ‘engaged detachment’. Psychiatrist Alberta Szalita described it as: ‘consideration of another person’s feelings and readiness to respond to his or her needs…without making his or her burden one’s own.’ It’s an acknowledgment of how someone feels, whether disappointed, joyous or sad, but it doesn’t necessarily mean embroiling yourself in solving any problems, or feeling affected emotionally yourself.

People who can’t empathise say things like ‘pull yourself together’, ‘time will heal’, ‘I told you so’ or ‘there’s plenty of fish in the sea’, none of which helps you feel better and all of which allow them to keep their distance emotionally. We are all born with an ability to empathise. Think how toddlers react if one of their group is upset or hurt. They become subdued and worried and will often move close to the crying or angry toddler, touching or hugging them to make it known they understand. However, as we grow older we begin to be more concerned about looking after ourselves. If our circumstances are particularly difficult during our childhood we will be too preoccupied with defending ourselves to be able to feel empathy for someone else. Circumstances like being overly criticized, disapproved of, bullied, humiliated, ignored and so on, will all have an effect on the way we empathise as we grow up. If we have experienced an enormous amount of pain we will shut ourselves off from our emotions as a survival technique or defence mechanism.

If you’re someone who finds it difficult to empathise, then you probably have good defence mechanisms in place. Unfortunately this also shuts you off from other people emotionally, which can become a very lonely place to be. However, it’s possible to teach and learn empathy and it’s certainly an ability well worth possessing in terms of life happiness. In fact all parents should make it one of the most important things to teach their children.

An enormous amount of empathy is based on non-verbal clues, like facial expressions and body language. Begin to study how other people react in emotional situations. Watch their eyes, the way they sit and move and what they do with their hands. Try to understand what they’re feeling and relate it to something you’ve felt in the past. Remember how you felt at times when you were nervous, angry, frightened, disappointed or overjoyed. Write those emotions down so that they have an identifiable name and relive them in your imagination. The next time someone explains to you how they’re feeling spend a few moments imagining that feeling. If you haven’t experienced the same circumstances then try to think of something that made you feel similar emotionally.

Learn to recognize your own emotions. Whenever you’re feeling angry or upset stop and think about what’s going on your mind. Acknowledge your feelings and accept them. By identifying how you feel and what has made you feel that way you’ll be a step nearer to understanding other people. Take note of both physical and emotional aspects of the feelings, so that you will recognize them in other people.

The fundamental steps of empathy are:

1.Recognising a strong feeling in someone (fear, anger, grief, disappointment). If you’re not sure what it is they’re experiencing, try asking the person ‘how do you feel?’

2.Imagining or remembering how it feels. Draw on your own experiences, or on items you’ve read or films you’ve seen. (Actors have to be excellent empathizers).

3.Stating the way you understand the person’s feelings. Talk to them using phrases such as: ‘I can imagine…’, ‘I can understand…, ‘It sounds as if…’.

4.Legitimizing the feeling by helping the person realize that it’s okay and normal to have these feelings.

5.Respecting how the person is trying to deal with the feelings. Don’t belittle their emotions or use sweeping statements.

6.Offering support in terms of being ready to listen and understand, to give a hug or some helpful advice.

It’s not something you can learn overnight, but in time you’ll be empathising without having to think about it consciously. It’s an enormously helpful communications tool and also makes you feel good, so go out there and practise!

DREAMS AND AMBITIONS

‘Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great’. (Mark Twain)

What are your dreams and ambitions? Most of us have a vague idea of the things we want to do in our lives, but we plod along on a course through life that isn’t what we wanted. We’re not sure how to change track and often lose sight of what we dreamed of in our youth. Sometimes our youthful dreams are interrupted or stifled by well-meaning parents or circumstances. We end up in a job we don’t enjoy, raising a family and none of it is quite what we had in mind. We make excuses: I don’t have the time, or the money, or the training. In fact we all have choices. You can achieve your dreams. Obviously there may be situations where it’s difficult, but even if we can achieve our ambitions in a small way, we’re happier because of it.

The first step is to identify what you want. The dreams and ambitions you had in your youth may be very different later in life, or pared down into something more realistic. Sometimes we choose dreams for the wrong reasons. If you’re lacking in motivation, then you’re probably going after the wrong thing. Consider what you really want out of your life. What motivates you and makes you happy? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your beliefs and values? What kind of person do you want to be? What would you like to change about your life?

If necessary divide your life into categories and look at each one separately. Ask yourself if you’re achieving what you want in each category. These could be something like: creative, career, qualifications, family, finances, spiritual, physical, social and community.

There will probably be one or two that will leap out at you as being particularly unsatisfactory for you. As an example, let’s look at community. Perhaps you often think the world isn’t a very pleasant place. Question what matters to you most. Is it global warming, starving children, education, cruelty to animals or something else that makes you emotional? You can’t change everything, but you can make a small difference in your own way. Sometimes getting involved in a small way leads on to bigger things and affects other aspects of your life too.

Be self-aware. Try to free yourself from what other people might think. Whatever lifestyle is of value to you may be different from your friends’ values. Nobody is right or wrong. It’s a question of choices. Don’t be frightened of failure or that you might make a mistake. It’s natural to feel apprehensive, but see it as a learning process. If something goes wrong, learn from it and move on. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember that you’re no longer stuck in a rut or standing still. You’re exploring and finding out about yourself.

Once you’ve identified some of the things that you want to change, set yourself some goals. They can be small or large. Make sure the goals you choose are what you want, and not what your family or employer wants. It’s often easier to start with small changes that don’t take you too far out of your comfort zone and gradually increase your goals as you feel more comfortable with the changes you’re making.

Give yourself a time frame. It may be to change your job within five years. Be realistic. Allow yourself time to achieve the goal. In the case of changing a job you may want to do some studying to prepare, or you may need to build up something outside your current job until you’re able to change over completely to the new career. Write your goals and plans down and be open to possibilities. Daydream and visualise yourself doing the things you want. Don’t let yourself be distracted. Constantly remind yourself of your goals and check how far you have come. Congratulate yourself on every small step you take.

Don’t be a victim, but take charge of your life. Eventually you’ll be able to stand back and realise that what were once dreams and ambitions have become a reality!

SPIRITUALITY

Spirituality is the part of an individual that finds meaning, comfort and inner peace in life. We human beings have always craved a sense of security and a reason for being. Spirituality is an individual thing that may be found in many different ways and which we all need to seek for ourselves along whichever path suits us. In essence it’s about discovering our true selves and a belief in our purpose in life.

Being so globally connected and aware of everything happening in the world and living at such a speed, bombarded by negative images and news, makes it difficult for us to find the time and space to discover our true selves. Often we allow our true identity to be swamped by what surrounds us, our possessions, our work, and how others see us. We develop a false identity which, because it isn’t contained within ourselves, is unable to provide us with the meaning we need in our lives and also changes according to our circumstances and who we’re with. This leads to a deep underlying sense of insecurity and fear. That’s partly why there’s such a huge worldwide reliance on materialism, alcohol, illegal drugs, anti-depressants and so on.

If you follow a religion or have a strong belief in something outside our five limited senses, such as an after-life or pagan belief, you will find it relatively easy to develop your spiritual feelings. If you have a faith and a predictable path for that faith, whether based on the Bible or something else well-documented, for example, then you will have guidance and help. Where it becomes difficult is if you have no faith or belief in anything to keep you going when times are tough.

The thing is: you can develop your own spirituality based on what’s important in your life. What things bring you comfort, strength and a connection with the energy of being alive? It may be going to church, playing music, nature, meditation, yoga, sports, volunteering, helping others, climbing mountains or reading poetry.

Personally I gain huge pleasure and a sense of peace and well being when I absorb nature, whether it’s the dramatic markings of a butterfly, the ancient majesty of an oak tree, or the awesome sight of a rhino chomping peacefully in the grass. Not only are these things pleasing to the eye, but they help me appreciate the evolvement of life, the magnitude of the world and the goodness that can be found there, and I can relate that to my own small place in the order of it all. For me, it gives me a sense of purpose and a reason why I’m here.

Other people might get this same feeling from running a marathon, using every mental and physical part of themselves in order to achieve it, or from volunteering to work with poor children and making a difference to their lives. What I’m saying is: it’s up to you to discover what gives you this spiritual feeling.

Try to find some time, whenever you can, to delve into yourself and find out what beliefs suit you. What can you identify with and why? Explore different religions and philosophies. Read books about other people’s driving forces. If nothing else, you’ll learn some very interesting facts! Find your true self, your consciousness, your sense of ‘I’. Then you’ll have something constant to give you the inner strength, support and reason for how you live your life. This leads to you being happier, healthier and more able to love and care about others and, ultimately, it’ll be a step in the right direction to make your little part of the world a better place.

YOUR LIVING SPACE

Your home should be somewhere you want to be and not somewhere you want to avoid. Your living space is your retreat from the busy world. A place where you can relax, think and feel comfortable. Sometimes, because of circumstances, we’re forced to live somewhere that’s not ideal. It may be noisy, cramped, shared or dilapidated, but even in that situation it’s possible to make improvements and changes that will help you feel happier.

If you have clutter then you probably have more than you need. Most of us collect far too much stuff around us and eventually it begins to weigh us down and trap us. Getting rid of the clutter gives you a wonderful sense of freedom. Do you hoard? Do you possess too many things? If so, it’s time to declutter and reorganise.

It’s not the major task it may sound. Set aside a small amount of time once a week to focus on clearing out a room or an area in your home. Do it at your own pace. Anything you haven’t used, haven’t worn, don’t like or is broken should go.

Divide all the above into three piles: to be thrown out, to be recycled and ‘not sure’. Ask yourself ‘Do I need this?’ and ‘Does it make me happy?’ There are millions of people who can make use of the things you don’t want or need. Donate them to a charity or give them to someone you know who needs them. When you know your old belongings will benefit someone else it becomes easier to part with them.

Once you’ve thrown out and given away, go through your ‘not sure’ pile. If you really can’t bring yourself to part with something, pack it away in a box. If, after six months or so you haven’t missed it or used it, you don’t need it.

Clear up your paperwork. Buy a filing cabinet/box (or make one out of a cardboard box if necessary) and file away everything you can. Clear out cupboards and reorganise them to suit your needs and daily habits. Remember, there’s no point in keeping anything ‘just in case’. You’re just using it like a security blanket and you don’t need it. Clear it out.

Feng shui, the Chinese philosophy of arranging your surroundings to best advantage, is largely based on how our living and working environments consciously and subconsciously impact on our minds. There’s nothing weird and wonderful about it. Most of it is common sense. For example, a photograph of someone you love will give you comforting positive feelings, while something else may rake up hurtful or sad memories. Don’t keep anything in your living space that gives you negative feelings. If you have to keep it for any reason, then store it away, out of sight.

Other feng shui recommendations involve keeping your home well-maintained. A bundle of wires under your computer will conjure up a subconscious image of worms or snakes and might also be dangerous. Find a way to hide them or box them in. A damp patch on the wall reminds us of rot and mould, so seal it and paint over it. Often we put off these tasks, not realising how they affect our subconscious on an everyday basis.

Once you’ve decluttered and done a bit of fixing and mending it’s time to start on the decor. There’s no right or wrong way to decorate. It depends entirely on the individual, but choose elements of vision, hearing, touch and smell to boost positive feelings and a happy atmosphere. Certain textures or patterns may make you irritable for example. Choose what you like and what pleases your senses.

The psychology of colour in the home is very important to your sense of wellbeing. I’ve talked about the use of colour in my previous postings, which you can find in the ‘colour me happy’ category.

Psychological comfort depends on being surrounded by things that stimulate your senses in a positive way, together with meaningful objects that give you pleasure. Your surroundings should not be based on fashion, but suit your daily habits and your personality. You might go for wild and wacky, cool and funky, antique bric-a-brac or simply neutral. It doesn’t matter as long as it feels right to you.

By creating a home you’re happy in you will automatically place your own unique stamp on it and it will reflect who you are. It’s far more pleasing to the eye and a lot more interesting than something that looks as though it’s straight out of ‘Homes and Gardens’. It will also feel more comfortable and relaxing and become a place you can retreat to and enjoy.

BEING INQUISITIVE

‘I have no particular talent. I am merely inquisitive.’ (Albert Einstein)

The word ‘intellectual’ is usually assumed to mean somebody especially intelligent. In fact your intellect is your ability to understand complex ideas, to learn from your experiences, to be mentally creative and to continually grow. It’s a major part of every person’s life. Being intellectually fulfilled will lead you to feel happier and more satisfied.

Every individual has a different intellect which is challenged by different thoughts and tasks. We have different talents. When we do something that’s intellectually and emotionally satisfying it becomes an achievement. What it is depends entirely on the individual. One person might learn a language or to play a musical instrument. Another might learn to cook or do some DIY. Whatever the task is, achieving things makes us feel good. If we have nothing to keep our thought processes active or nothing to aim for we become unhappy.

Too many of us live in the past, worrying about what we did or said, or what someone else did or said. Others wrestle with the problem of the future and what might happen, or might not happen, or we spend a huge amount of time worrying about why we can’t get what we want. Instead of using all that time and intellectual energy on what we can’t change, we should learn to use it to enjoy living in the present and allowing our lives to unfold.

You can be opportunistic and make plans for the future, and you will learn from past mistakes, but there’s no point in dwelling on the past, or getting despondent if your plans for the future don’t work out the way you hoped. Envision your life as a journey, with many twists and turns, each of which leads you to somewhere new and interesting. If you take a wrong turning, use your intellect to look for a different way to get there. Focus on the excitement of the journey and not on the destination.

I’ve written before about the importance of being creative. You can use your intellect and imagination to be creative about anything you do. Make sure you try out new things, or try doing things in a different way. Often it will lead you to creative discoveries. Being creative exercises your intellect, which makes you a happier more fulfilled person.

Remember that your capacity for intellectual growth is limitless. It doesn’t matter how young or old you are, you are always able to study and learn. I don’t necessarily mean going to school or doing a course, but find something that makes you feel interested and stimulates your mind and learn more about it. There’s so much satisfaction to be gained from learning new skills or ways of thinking.

Your intellect will grow if you use it. So:

· Identify your talents and interests and expand them.
· Be observant and absorb knowledge from what happens in the world around you.
· Try to live in the present and enjoy the journey of life.
· Be creative in your thoughts and actions.
· Study and learn about anything that interests you.
· Be inquisitive!

GETTING OLD

‘When I am an old woman I shall wear purpleWith a red hat which doesn't go and doesn't suit me. And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves’
(from a poem by Jenny Joseph)


This poem always reminds me of my grandmother, who was a rebel throughout her life in one way or another and who dealt with old age the same way. I remember taking her out to lunch when she was 86. Her long silver hair was wound up in a granny-type bun and she leaned heavily on a silver-topped walking stick, but everyone who saw her was noticeably cheered at the sight of her smiling face, bright red and orange dress, purple stockings and blue paisley shawl. A fashion plate she was not, but an inspiration to all those about her? Yes, indeed.

Getting older is one of the harder things we have to deal with, even though we know it’s inevitable and a part of being alive. We still fight it with creams and potions, hair dye, manic exercise and anything else the media tells us will work.

The fact is that the people who age gracefully and healthily are mostly those who have accepted the changes of ageing, rather than see them as some sort of crises. Ageing changes everyone. We’re all in the same boat and we should accept that life just does not stay the same. After all, it would become very tedious if it did.

There is no evidence that creams, vitamin supplements or trends such as calorific reduction help you stay younger. Nor do botox, plastic surgery or anti-ageing drugs do any more than briefly stave off what will come to us all eventually. Certainly there are inherited genes which give some people a head start regarding ageing, but we’re all capable of extending our active lives without resorting to artificial means.

Obviously we need to look after ourselves physically, which involves:

Not smoking
A balanced diet
7-8 hours sleep each night
Drinking lots of water
Not overdoing the alcohol
Moisturising your skin
Moderate daily exercise

However, it’s interesting that in studies of Asians who have lived to over a hundred years old, the common factors in their lives appear to be: a mostly vegetarian diet as they get older, some daily exercise, usually in the form of walking and/or stretching exercises (such as tai chi), plenty of laughter, having a positive mental attitude and being regularly occupied in some activity they’re passionate about.

Research has increasingly shown that your emotional wellbeing is fundamental in leading an active healthy life when you’re old. This includes having a good self-image, a good social support, reducing stress and keeping mentally active.

So, keep in touch with friends, don’t vegetate at home watching the TV. Communicate. Go out and about and meet new people. If you have a tendency to get depressed seek help. Don’t obsess about your weight and what you eat. If you’re miserable with your lifestyle, then make changes. Even small changes can have a huge effect on your emotional wellbeing. Try to achieve a healthy balance in your life.

Find ways and make time to relax, or start meditating. Laugh a lot and try to move on from guilt, grief or hurt. Take time out to enjoy simple things and surround yourself with what you like and love.

The old adage ‘use it or lose it’ very much applies here. Keep your brain working. Play games like chess or cards. Do crosswords or sudoku. Use your memory. Learn new things or take up past interests. Above all: be creative. As one man who has lived to be an active hundred-year-old says:

‘The secret of vitality in any human being is the desire to do something creative in life.’