How to be happy!

CRITICISM

2008-02-19T21:01:00.000-08:00

Nobody likes to be criticized but, like failure, it’s a part of life. The way we handle criticism, both taking it and giving it, is very similar to the way we handle failure and the way we do it is fundamental in helping us maintain our self-worth and relationships. Without an ability to deal with criticism we may be hurt or affect other people badly.

People will criticise you for any number of reasons. Sometimes it’s the truth and sometimes it isn’t, although they will think it is the truth. They may be in a bad mood, or angry and upset by something. Perhaps they’re trying to prove their own worth and self-importance, or maybe they get something out of upsetting other people. Alternatively they may have a good reason to make the criticism, but do it in an insensitive way.

Giving criticism

Most people find it difficult to give criticism truthfully, but it will inevitably happen sometimes and there are ways to criticise without being too hurtful or discouraging:

Be specific. Don’t generalise by saying something like ‘You don’t pull your weight round here’. Instead mention a particular incident when the person wasn’t doing what they should.

Always do it in private. Criticising anyone in front of other people is unnecessarily hurtful. If possible take them to one side or wait until later to explain what they did wrong.

Target the behaviour and not the person. Say ‘Because you didn’t do this, such and such has happened’ not ‘You never listen to what you’re told’.

Choose the right moment. Ideally this should be as soon as you can after the incident, but when you’re calm.

Be polite and diplomatic. There is no reason to be rude or insulting. It will only make the other person defensive. Give constructive suggestions as to how the person could do better in the future.

Don’t forget to balance the negatives with some positive comments. Give some praise about something else.

Try to finish on a light note with some humour if you can.

Always think before you offer criticism. It should be something that helps other people learn and improve, not a way to deflate their self-esteem or make you feel better about yourself. Make sure you’re doing it with the right motives.

Taking criticism

Our first reaction to being criticised is to feel deflated and unhappy, or angry and defensive. However, try to detach yourself, remind yourself that this is somebody else’s opinion, listen to the criticism carefully and consider it before you respond. That way you will feel more in control and less misjudged. Remember that in most cases criticism will give you a chance to learn and improve. Try to deal with it this way:

Don’t take it personally. The criticism is about an aspect of your behaviour, not your entire personality.

Decide what you can learn from it. There is usually at least some truth in criticisms. Take out the truths and discard the rest.

Don’t respond to an angry or confrontational tone of voice. Instead, focus on the suggestions that are being made, or politely ask for suggestions of how you can improve. Detach yourself emotionally.

Remember that criticism can be valuable. If you only ever received false praise you would make no progress. Invite constructive criticism sometimes, to help you improve and develop.

If the criticism is unjustified it’s particularly hurtful, but emain detached and ignore it. If you remain silent and aloof the critic will run out of steam and you retain your dignity. Focus on how insignificant the criticism is.

Another option, if you’re being wrongly criticised, is to disarm the critic by agreeing in some way. You might say ‘I can see this has bothered you,’ ‘You sound upset about this’, or ‘I can see your point of view’. It’s surprising how this calms people down.

If you have tried all these things but a criticism has still managed to upset you, try writing the issue on a piece of paper and putting it away for two or three days. Look at it again when you feel less emotional about it. You should be able to see the incident more objectively.

Some people are highly criticised all the time because of the work they do, for example celebrities, writers, musicians, politicians and so on. Most of them deal with it by realising that it’s either untrue so best forgotten, or else it’s just someone’s opinion and best forgotten. Either way, always remind yourself of who you really are and what you’ve achieved and don’t allow criticism to affect your self-esteem. There will always be more positive aspects to you than negative.

HIGHLY SENSITIVE?

2008-01-27T07:50:00.001-08:00

‘Do not confuse peace of mind with insensitivity. A truly peaceful mind is very sensitive, very aware.’
(14th Dalai Lama: Tenzin Gvatso)

Were you labelled ‘shy’ or ‘sensitive’ as a child? Do you find you need time on your own? Are social occasions a trial for you?

Research in the last ten years has shown that 15% to 20% of people are ‘highly sensitive’. A lot of people are hugely relieved when they find out that they’re not really weird or misfits, but that they have a more developed sensory system than most people. In babies this often shows up as colic, in toddlers as nervousness or insecurity. In older children it’s sometimes described as shyness or being a bookworm or a loner. Adults may be introverted. Some people manage to hide their sensitivity and can be socially extrovert, but they will need time and space alone to recover from social interactions.

Being highly sensitive is usually inherited. These people are often affected by other people’s moods. They tend to be conscientious and meticulous and overwhelmed by chaos and clutter. They are ill at ease with loud noise, bright lights, crowds and lack of routine. They need plenty of time alone to regain their equilibrium and plenty of sleep to recharge their energy. They are frequently creative, spiritual and intuitive.

Often these people feel they ‘don’t belong’ because they don’t fit the outgoing ideals of modern society. They grow up thinking there’s something wrong with them because outwardly everybody else appears to cope more easily with daily life.

If you’re highly sensitive you need to acknowledge it and begin to develop boundaries for safety and comfort. Learn to accept who you are. If you prefer long walks alone rather than going to the gym, then do what makes you happiest. If you find big crowds overwhelming and tiring, then avoid them as much as you can. You don’t have to be a social butterfly; you might have a few good close friends and enjoy doing simple things with them. You don’t have to be team oriented. If you work better alone accept it and try to put yourself in that sort of environment. You don’t have to keep everybody else happy by doing things that don’t suit you. Explain how you feel and say ‘no’ if necessary.

Remember, we can’t all be strong, tough extroverts. Historically highly sensitive people were the advisors and mentors for kings and warriors. There has to be a balance of both types in the world. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re highly sensitive. If you’re unhappy about it, it’s probably because you’ve been trying all this time to be like other people. Don’t. Just be you and go with the flow of what makes you feel comfortable.

(If you want to know more about this subject read The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron).

PEOPLE PLEASING

2008-01-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

I was talking to one of my clients about her problems with her family, who are very demanding of her. It was obvious that she had great difficulty in saying ‘no’ to people and is something of a people pleaser. We all like to please other people to an extent, but for some of us it goes too far and creates problems in our lives. Do any of the following apply to you?

I try to be what people want me to be
I don’t like to rock the boat
Often I’m not sure what I want
I rarely speak my mind
I rarely openly disagree with other people’s opinions
I dream of a strong person taking over my life to help me
I find it hard to say ‘no’
I repress my anger
I don’t take the initiative
I go along with things to keep people happy
I rarely express how I really feel

If some of these statements are true of you, then you’re probably a people pleaser. Although they don’t do it consciously, people pleasers want to keep other people happy in order to avoid some kind of reaction that unsettles them. They have usually grown up in a home where, for some reason, their needs and feelings were not properly valued or considered important, or other members of their family may have had greater needs, or perhaps been angry a lot of the time. For example if they grew up with a depressive, violent or alcoholic parent, or perhaps with a disabled or troubled sibling. They may also have been praised when they were compliant and punished when they were assertive, or else they could have been neglected or abused as children, which taught them that their needs and feelings were not important.

A typical people pleaser puts everybody else’s needs first. They tend to too much for others and not much for themselves. If they do something for themselves they feel selfish and guilty. They try to avoid conflict and don’t want to upset other people. They want to be liked and approved of by everyone, so they tend to become whatever they believe other people want. Their feeling of worth is dependent on doing whatever anyone asks them to do or being what they think other people want.

If you recognise yourself in this description then you probably have an inner feeling of emptiness and/or deep feelings of anger and resentment that you rarely show. You probably have a tendency to expect others to help you without being asked and when they don’t, you feel let down and sad. Sometimes it’s only in certain situations we become people pleasers. It may only occur within your relationship, or only at work, or only with men, or only with women.

The first step to sorting it out is to try to identify what you’re gaining from people pleasing. What is it that you’re looking for? Is it love, acceptance, praise, approval? What are you afraid might happen if you don’t please someone or what pain are you protecting yourself from? Is it anger, rejection, loneliness, abandonment, criticism? Once you have some idea of what’s making you do it, start to notice how you feel inside when you’re being compliant. Does it make you feel happy or sad, resentful or grateful?

Start to assert yourself in small ways. Learn to express your thoughts, or anger or opinions. Recognise that we all have different ideas about things and your ideas and opinions are as worthy as someone else’s. Try to spend more time with the people who know and accept you as you are so that you can teach yourself to be yourself all the time. Learn to protect yourself from being controlled by others.

Practise saying ‘no’ as often as you can. Try saying phrases like ‘No, I won’t be able to do that,’ or ‘No, I don’t agree with that,’ over and over to yourself. Use the word ‘no’ in simple situations to begin with and work up to using it in harder circumstances. Teach yourself phrases that suit your personality and express what you really want to say.

Instead of immediately saying ‘yes’ to people, try saying something like ‘Can I think about that and let you know?’. Give yourself time to decide whether you really want to do something or not and how you will say ‘no’ if that’s what you decide.

Begin to do things which are entirely to please yourself. Give yourself half an hour each day to do something that gives you pleasure, such as read, play the piano, listen to music, go for a walk, have a bath etc. Give yourself permission to do this and don’t feel guilty.

Try asking other people to help you with things. Start with small things. You’ll be amazed how much other people will enjoy helping you.

Remember: people like you for who you are and not for what you do, so start learning to be yourself and take it a step at a time.

BEING POSITIVE

2007-12-07T05:37:00.000-08:00

Abraham Lincoln said that people are just as happy as they make up their mind to be. If you think negatively and complain and moan about your life you won’t be happy. It’s a fact. We’re able to control the way we think, so start making some changes in your thoughts. Whenever you fee a negative thought coming up try to change it to something positive.

Winners enjoy the beauty and wonder of nature and small everyday things, like the sight of a flower, or the colour of the sky.

Winners are optimistic and upbeat. They make their thoughts encouraging and uplifting and enjoy sharing them with others.

Winners appreciate the present. They know they have learned from the past and they look forward to a future full of promise.

Winners are grateful for what they already have and seek creative ways to obtain whatever else they want or need.

Winners look for opportunities for growth and learning. They look for the positives in any situation so that they can problem-solve quickly.

Winners smile a lot and are enthusiastic about what they experience and who they spend time with.

Winners manage to find some positives even in tragic or difficult circumstances. They find the courage to take the next step to making things better.

Winners know that being happy is their own responsibility. If they start to feel down or irritated they quickly work to turn the situation round.

Winners sweep away negative or pessimistic thoughts and look for the silver lining in every cloud.

GUILTY!

2007-11-15T22:06:00.000-08:00

Guilt is a peculiar emotion. Often there’s no good reason for it and, if you think about it, it’s those who love and care the most that tend to feel the most guilty. After all, if you don’t care about hurting people or doing the wrong thing, then you’re not going to feel guilty are you?

The interesting thing about guilt is that it’s created by our own imaginations. It’s based on what we inwardly believe is right or wrong, which depends on many factors about our personalities. Fundamentally it’s a nagging in your head that you have let someone down, or let yourself down and failed in some way. We then punish ourselves for our perceived wrongdoing and end up feeling sad, depressed or angry. In severe cases it leads people on a path to self-destruction. What do we feel guilty about? Typically it’s things like saying ‘no’ to helping a friend, not spending enough time with an elderly relative or the kids, shopping for ourselves and seeing ourselves as selfish, forgetting something important to someone else, eating the wrong foods because we’re supposed to be on a diet, not walking the dog, not pulling your weight at work, etc. etc.

Sometimes there are deeper reasons we feel guilty, after a divorce or bereavement, for example, but the emotions have the same quality about them: The guilt is illogical, created by your internal dialogue. You’re being your own judge and jury and it’s your own perception of the situation that makes you feel bad. Other people would see it entirely differently.

I should also mention the type of guilt that’s induced in us by others. There are some people who manipulate situations, trying to shift responsibility to others, in order to control them, or make them do what they want them to do. If someone does this to you, then step back and look at it objectively. Refuse to take on the responsibility. If someone does this to you a lot, then it’s time to think about distancing yourself from the relationship.

What can you do about feeling guilty? Firstly, acknowledge that it’s healthy to have a little guilt and learn to tolerate the minor guilt pangs you may have. However, if your guilty feelings are making you feel really down or angry, then you need to work on them. In either case these tips should help:

Write down what you think you did wrong. Then write down the emotions you were feeling when it happened. It helps you see more clearly why you did what you did. It’s then much easier to correct the problem so that it doesn’t happen again.
Remember that you’ve usually argued yourself illogically into feeling guilty, so use those same internal dialogues consciously and logically to argue the guilt away.
Imagine you’re talking to a friend in the same situation. What would you say to them? How would you advise them? Be your own friend.
Learn to forgive yourself. It doesn’t mean you’re excusing what you did or what happened, but it’s pointless to go on punishing yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Make a note of what you’ve learned from the experience and then stop attacking yourself.
Take responsibility for what made you feel guilty. That doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It means accepting that something happened for a reason. Try saying: ‘I did the best I could in the situation with the time and skills I had.’
Don’t feel guilty if you look after your needs as well as looking after those of your partner or children. Work out specifically what you need and then negotiate with your nearest and dearest to fit it into your life. Then stop feeling guilty about it. If you’re happier the family will be happier.

There are times in life when it’s inevitable we’ll hurt people. For example, if we leave a relationship because we’re miserable. Sometimes one person’s gain is another’s loss, but you shouldn’t do something that’s bad for you just because you don’t want to upset someone else. It will lead you to being angry, resentful and depressed, which will make the whole situation worse in the long run and cause unhappiness all round. Accept that there are dilemmas like this in life, and don’t let the guilt paralyse you.

I’m not saying that we should go round doing whatever we want and not care about hurting other people, but in many cases the people who feel laden with guilt have no reason to do so. Guilt is caused by our experiences and self-beliefs. Sometimes it’s good, because it reminds us of how we should be behaving, but more often it’s bad, because it isn’t based in reality. Learn to identify the difference. Forgive yourself, make amends, release yourself and move on.

DO YOU EMPATHISE?

2007-10-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

'Some people think only intellect counts: knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion and empathy.'

We’ve all been in situations where we’ve needed some support. Not necessarily practical help, but a friendly smile, a shoulder to lean on and some understanding. If we’re lucky we know someone who can give us the support we need, but a great many people are unable to provide the shoulder or the understanding. They’re uncomfortable with the situation and have a tendency to belittle or reject others’ emotions. These are the people who don’t know how to empathise.

Empathy is a crucial part of our make-up as human beings. In recent years researchers have become aware of just how important emotional intelligence (EI) is, and empathy is a direct off-shoot of emotional intelligence. Those with a high EI are the most empathetic, particularly if they’re sensitive. These are the people who are in touch with their own feelings. If you’ve experienced a wide range of emotions in your own life, you’re more able to recall those feelings from your memory and imagine how someone else might be feeling.

Unfortunately being emotionally intelligent has only recently been considered of value. For a long time being intellectual was deemed more important. However, research has shown that it’s the emotionally intelligent who are usually the most happy and successful in life. Being empathetic makes you more likeable, so you make friends more easily and it also helps you in your work. In nearly every job there is a need to communicate well with people and in jobs such as marketing, customer service, medicine etc. empathy can be vital to success because you are able to identify with what your clients or customers are feeling. The person who empathises is bound to do better than someone who is less able to understand the emotions of others. This might seem obvious, but think back to people you’ve met professionally (doctors, dentists, salesmen etc.) who have annoyed or irritated you because they don’t seem to understand how you are feeling. They were the ones who were unable to empathise.

What exactly is empathy? A good description is ‘engaged detachment’. Psychiatrist Alberta Szalita described it as: ‘consideration of another person’s feelings and readiness to respond to his or her needs…without making his or her burden one’s own.’ It’s an acknowledgment of how someone feels, whether disappointed, joyous or sad, but it doesn’t necessarily mean embroiling yourself in solving any problems, or feeling affected emotionally yourself.

People who can’t empathise say things like ‘pull yourself together’, ‘time will heal’, ‘I told you so’ or ‘there’s plenty of fish in the sea’, none of which helps you feel better and all of which allow them to keep their distance emotionally. We are all born with an ability to empathise. Think how toddlers react if one of their group is upset or hurt. They become subdued and worried and will often move close to the crying or angry toddler, touching or hugging them to make it known they understand. However, as we grow older we begin to be more concerned about looking after ourselves. If our circumstances are particularly difficult during our childhood we will be too preoccupied with defending ourselves to be able to feel empathy for someone else. Circumstances like being overly criticized, disapproved of, bullied, humiliated, ignored and so on, will all have an effect on the way we empathise as we grow up. If we have experienced an enormous amount of pain we will shut ourselves off from our emotions as a survival technique or defence mechanism.

If you’re someone who finds it difficult to empathise, then you probably have good defence mechanisms in place. Unfortunately this also shuts you off from other people emotionally, which can become a very lonely place to be. However, it’s possible to teach and learn empathy and it’s certainly an ability well worth possessing in terms of life happiness. In fact all parents should make it one of the most important things to teach their children.

An enormous amount of empathy is based on non-verbal clues, like facial expressions and body language. Begin to study how other people react in emotional situations. Watch their eyes, the way they sit and move and what they do with their hands. Try to understand what they’re feeling and relate it to something you’ve felt in the past. Remember how you felt at times when you were nervous, angry, frightened, disappointed or overjoyed. Write those emotions down so that they have an identifiable name and relive them in your imagination. The next time someone explains to you how they’re feeling spend a few moments imagining that feeling. If you haven’t experienced the same circumstances then try to think of something that made you feel similar emotionally.

Learn to recognize your own emotions. Whenever you’re feeling angry or upset stop and think about what’s going on your mind. Acknowledge your feelings and accept them. By identifying how you feel and what has made you feel that way you’ll be a step nearer to understanding other people. Take note of both physical and emotional aspects of the feelings, so that you will recognize them in other people.

The fundamental steps of empathy are:

1.Recognising a strong feeling in someone (fear, anger, grief, disappointment). If you’re not sure what it is they’re experiencing, try asking the person ‘how do you feel?’

2.Imagining or remembering how it feels. Draw on your own experiences, or on items you’ve read or films you’ve seen. (Actors have to be excellent empathizers).

3.Stating the way you understand the person’s feelings. Talk to them using phrases such as: ‘I can imagine…’, ‘I can understand…, ‘It sounds as if…’.

4.Legitimizing the feeling by helping the person realize that it’s okay and normal to have these feelings.

5.Respecting how the person is trying to deal with the feelings. Don’t belittle their emotions or use sweeping statements.

6.Offering support in terms of being ready to listen and understand, to give a hug or some helpful advice.

It’s not something you can learn overnight, but in time you’ll be empathising without having to think about it consciously. It’s an enormously helpful communications tool and also makes you feel good, so go out there and practise!

DREAMS AND AMBITIONS

2007-10-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

‘Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great’. (Mark Twain)

What are your dreams and ambitions? Most of us have a vague idea of the things we want to do in our lives, but we plod along on a course through life that isn’t what we wanted. We’re not sure how to change track and often lose sight of what we dreamed of in our youth. Sometimes our youthful dreams are interrupted or stifled by well-meaning parents or circumstances. We end up in a job we don’t enjoy, raising a family and none of it is quite what we had in mind. We make excuses: I don’t have the time, or the money, or the training. In fact we all have choices. You can achieve your dreams. Obviously there may be situations where it’s difficult, but even if we can achieve our ambitions in a small way, we’re happier because of it.

The first step is to identify what you want. The dreams and ambitions you had in your youth may be very different later in life, or pared down into something more realistic. Sometimes we choose dreams for the wrong reasons. If you’re lacking in motivation, then you’re probably going after the wrong thing. Consider what you really want out of your life. What motivates you and makes you happy? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your beliefs and values? What kind of person do you want to be? What would you like to change about your life?

If necessary divide your life into categories and look at each one separately. Ask yourself if you’re achieving what you want in each category. These could be something like: creative, career, qualifications, family, finances, spiritual, physical, social and community.

There will probably be one or two that will leap out at you as being particularly unsatisfactory for you. As an example, let’s look at community. Perhaps you often think the world isn’t a very pleasant place. Question what matters to you most. Is it global warming, starving children, education, cruelty to animals or something else that makes you emotional? You can’t change everything, but you can make a small difference in your own way. Sometimes getting involved in a small way leads on to bigger things and affects other aspects of your life too.

Be self-aware. Try to free yourself from what other people might think. Whatever lifestyle is of value to you may be different from your friends’ values. Nobody is right or wrong. It’s a question of choices. Don’t be frightened of failure or that you might make a mistake. It’s natural to feel apprehensive, but see it as a learning process. If something goes wrong, learn from it and move on. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember that you’re no longer stuck in a rut or standing still. You’re exploring and finding out about yourself.

Once you’ve identified some of the things that you want to change, set yourself some goals. They can be small or large. Make sure the goals you choose are what you want, and not what your family or employer wants. It’s often easier to start with small changes that don’t take you too far out of your comfort zone and gradually increase your goals as you feel more comfortable with the changes you’re making.

Give yourself a time frame. It may be to change your job within five years. Be realistic. Allow yourself time to achieve the goal. In the case of changing a job you may want to do some studying to prepare, or you may need to build up something outside your current job until you’re able to change over completely to the new career. Write your goals and plans down and be open to possibilities. Daydream and visualise yourself doing the things you want. Don’t let yourself be distracted. Constantly remind yourself of your goals and check how far you have come. Congratulate yourself on every small step you take.

Don’t be a victim, but take charge of your life. Eventually you’ll be able to stand back and realise that what were once dreams and ambitions have become a reality!

SPIRITUALITY

2007-10-08T23:41:00.000-07:00

Spirituality is the part of an individual that finds meaning, comfort and inner peace in life. We human beings have always craved a sense of security and a reason for being. Spirituality is an individual thing that may be found in many different ways and which we all need to seek for ourselves along whichever path suits us. In essence it’s about discovering our true selves and a belief in our purpose in life.

Being so globally connected and aware of everything happening in the world and living at such a speed, bombarded by negative images and news, makes it difficult for us to find the time and space to discover our true selves. Often we allow our true identity to be swamped by what surrounds us, our possessions, our work, and how others see us. We develop a false identity which, because it isn’t contained within ourselves, is unable to provide us with the meaning we need in our lives and also changes according to our circumstances and who we’re with. This leads to a deep underlying sense of insecurity and fear. That’s partly why there’s such a huge worldwide reliance on materialism, alcohol, illegal drugs, anti-depressants and so on.

If you follow a religion or have a strong belief in something outside our five limited senses, such as an after-life or pagan belief, you will find it relatively easy to develop your spiritual feelings. If you have a faith and a predictable path for that faith, whether based on the Bible or something else well-documented, for example, then you will have guidance and help. Where it becomes difficult is if you have no faith or belief in anything to keep you going when times are tough.

The thing is: you can develop your own spirituality based on what’s important in your life. What things bring you comfort, strength and a connection with the energy of being alive? It may be going to church, playing music, nature, meditation, yoga, sports, volunteering, helping others, climbing mountains or reading poetry.

Personally I gain huge pleasure and a sense of peace and well being when I absorb nature, whether it’s the dramatic markings of a butterfly, the ancient majesty of an oak tree, or the awesome sight of a rhino chomping peacefully in the grass. Not only are these things pleasing to the eye, but they help me appreciate the evolvement of life, the magnitude of the world and the goodness that can be found there, and I can relate that to my own small place in the order of it all. For me, it gives me a sense of purpose and a reason why I’m here.

Other people might get this same feeling from running a marathon, using every mental and physical part of themselves in order to achieve it, or from volunteering to work with poor children and making a difference to their lives. What I’m saying is: it’s up to you to discover what gives you this spiritual feeling.

Try to find some time, whenever you can, to delve into yourself and find out what beliefs suit you. What can you identify with and why? Explore different religions and philosophies. Read books about other people’s driving forces. If nothing else, you’ll learn some very interesting facts! Find your true self, your consciousness, your sense of ‘I’. Then you’ll have something constant to give you the inner strength, support and reason for how you live your life. This leads to you being happier, healthier and more able to love and care about others and, ultimately, it’ll be a step in the right direction to make your little part of the world a better place.

YOUR LIVING SPACE

2007-09-30T06:47:00.002-07:00

Your home should be somewhere you want to be and not somewhere you want to avoid. Your living space is your retreat from the busy world. A place where you can relax, think and feel comfortable. Sometimes, because of circumstances, we’re forced to live somewhere that’s not ideal. It may be noisy, cramped, shared or dilapidated, but even in that situation it’s possible to make improvements and changes that will help you feel happier.

If you have clutter then you probably have more than you need. Most of us collect far too much stuff around us and eventually it begins to weigh us down and trap us. Getting rid of the clutter gives you a wonderful sense of freedom. Do you hoard? Do you possess too many things? If so, it’s time to declutter and reorganise.

It’s not the major task it may sound. Set aside a small amount of time once a week to focus on clearing out a room or an area in your home. Do it at your own pace. Anything you haven’t used, haven’t worn, don’t like or is broken should go.

Divide all the above into three piles: to be thrown out, to be recycled and ‘not sure’. Ask yourself ‘Do I need this?’ and ‘Does it make me happy?’ There are millions of people who can make use of the things you don’t want or need. Donate them to a charity or give them to someone you know who needs them. When you know your old belongings will benefit someone else it becomes easier to part with them.

Once you’ve thrown out and given away, go through your ‘not sure’ pile. If you really can’t bring yourself to part with something, pack it away in a box. If, after six months or so you haven’t missed it or used it, you don’t need it.

Clear up your paperwork. Buy a filing cabinet/box (or make one out of a cardboard box if necessary) and file away everything you can. Clear out cupboards and reorganise them to suit your needs and daily habits. Remember, there’s no point in keeping anything ‘just in case’. You’re just using it like a security blanket and you don’t need it. Clear it out.

Feng shui, the Chinese philosophy of arranging your surroundings to best advantage, is largely based on how our living and working environments consciously and subconsciously impact on our minds. There’s nothing weird and wonderful about it. Most of it is common sense. For example, a photograph of someone you love will give you comforting positive feelings, while something else may rake up hurtful or sad memories. Don’t keep anything in your living space that gives you negative feelings. If you have to keep it for any reason, then store it away, out of sight.

Other feng shui recommendations involve keeping your home well-maintained. A bundle of wires under your computer will conjure up a subconscious image of worms or snakes and might also be dangerous. Find a way to hide them or box them in. A damp patch on the wall reminds us of rot and mould, so seal it and paint over it. Often we put off these tasks, not realising how they affect our subconscious on an everyday basis.

Once you’ve decluttered and done a bit of fixing and mending it’s time to start on the decor. There’s no right or wrong way to decorate. It depends entirely on the individual, but choose elements of vision, hearing, touch and smell to boost positive feelings and a happy atmosphere. Certain textures or patterns may make you irritable for example. Choose what you like and what pleases your senses.

The psychology of colour in the home is very important to your sense of wellbeing. I’ve talked about the use of colour in my previous postings, which you can find in the ‘colour me happy’ category.

Psychological comfort depends on being surrounded by things that stimulate your senses in a positive way, together with meaningful objects that give you pleasure. Your surroundings should not be based on fashion, but suit your daily habits and your personality. You might go for wild and wacky, cool and funky, antique bric-a-brac or simply neutral. It doesn’t matter as long as it feels right to you.

By creating a home you’re happy in you will automatically place your own unique stamp on it and it will reflect who you are. It’s far more pleasing to the eye and a lot more interesting than something that looks as though it’s straight out of ‘Homes and Gardens’. It will also feel more comfortable and relaxing and become a place you can retreat to and enjoy.

BEING INQUISITIVE

2007-09-16T03:13:00.000-07:00

‘I have no particular talent. I am merely inquisitive.’ (Albert Einstein)

The word ‘intellectual’ is usually assumed to mean somebody especially intelligent. In fact your intellect is your ability to understand complex ideas, to learn from your experiences, to be mentally creative and to continually grow. It’s a major part of every person’s life. Being intellectually fulfilled will lead you to feel happier and more satisfied.

Every individual has a different intellect which is challenged by different thoughts and tasks. We have different talents. When we do something that’s intellectually and emotionally satisfying it becomes an achievement. What it is depends entirely on the individual. One person might learn a language or to play a musical instrument. Another might learn to cook or do some DIY. Whatever the task is, achieving things makes us feel good. If we have nothing to keep our thought processes active or nothing to aim for we become unhappy.

Too many of us live in the past, worrying about what we did or said, or what someone else did or said. Others wrestle with the problem of the future and what might happen, or might not happen, or we spend a huge amount of time worrying about why we can’t get what we want. Instead of using all that time and intellectual energy on what we can’t change, we should learn to use it to enjoy living in the present and allowing our lives to unfold.

You can be opportunistic and make plans for the future, and you will learn from past mistakes, but there’s no point in dwelling on the past, or getting despondent if your plans for the future don’t work out the way you hoped. Envision your life as a journey, with many twists and turns, each of which leads you to somewhere new and interesting. If you take a wrong turning, use your intellect to look for a different way to get there. Focus on the excitement of the journey and not on the destination.

I’ve written before about the importance of being creative. You can use your intellect and imagination to be creative about anything you do. Make sure you try out new things, or try doing things in a different way. Often it will lead you to creative discoveries. Being creative exercises your intellect, which makes you a happier more fulfilled person.

Remember that your capacity for intellectual growth is limitless. It doesn’t matter how young or old you are, you are always able to study and learn. I don’t necessarily mean going to school or doing a course, but find something that makes you feel interested and stimulates your mind and learn more about it. There’s so much satisfaction to be gained from learning new skills or ways of thinking.

Your intellect will grow if you use it. So:

· Identify your talents and interests and expand them.
· Be observant and absorb knowledge from what happens in the world around you.
· Try to live in the present and enjoy the journey of life.
· Be creative in your thoughts and actions.
· Study and learn about anything that interests you.
· Be inquisitive!

GETTING OLD

2007-09-02T00:59:00.000-07:00

‘When I am an old woman I shall wear purpleWith a red hat which doesn't go and doesn't suit me. And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves’
(from a poem by Jenny Joseph)

This poem always reminds me of my grandmother, who was a rebel throughout her life in one way or another and who dealt with old age the same way. I remember taking her out to lunch when she was 86. Her long silver hair was wound up in a granny-type bun and she leaned heavily on a silver-topped walking stick, but everyone who saw her was noticeably cheered at the sight of her smiling face, bright red and orange dress, purple stockings and blue paisley shawl. A fashion plate she was not, but an inspiration to all those about her? Yes, indeed.

Getting older is one of the harder things we have to deal with, even though we know it’s inevitable and a part of being alive. We still fight it with creams and potions, hair dye, manic exercise and anything else the media tells us will work.

The fact is that the people who age gracefully and healthily are mostly those who have accepted the changes of ageing, rather than see them as some sort of crises. Ageing changes everyone. We’re all in the same boat and we should accept that life just does not stay the same. After all, it would become very tedious if it did.

There is no evidence that creams, vitamin supplements or trends such as calorific reduction help you stay younger. Nor do botox, plastic surgery or anti-ageing drugs do any more than briefly stave off what will come to us all eventually. Certainly there are inherited genes which give some people a head start regarding ageing, but we’re all capable of extending our active lives without resorting to artificial means.

Obviously we need to look after ourselves physically, which involves:

Not smoking
A balanced diet
7-8 hours sleep each night
Drinking lots of water
Not overdoing the alcohol
Moisturising your skin
Moderate daily exercise

However, it’s interesting that in studies of Asians who have lived to over a hundred years old, the common factors in their lives appear to be: a mostly vegetarian diet as they get older, some daily exercise, usually in the form of walking and/or stretching exercises (such as tai chi), plenty of laughter, having a positive mental attitude and being regularly occupied in some activity they’re passionate about.

Research has increasingly shown that your emotional wellbeing is fundamental in leading an active healthy life when you’re old. This includes having a good self-image, a good social support, reducing stress and keeping mentally active.

So, keep in touch with friends, don’t vegetate at home watching the TV. Communicate. Go out and about and meet new people. If you have a tendency to get depressed seek help. Don’t obsess about your weight and what you eat. If you’re miserable with your lifestyle, then make changes. Even small changes can have a huge effect on your emotional wellbeing. Try to achieve a healthy balance in your life.

Find ways and make time to relax, or start meditating. Laugh a lot and try to move on from guilt, grief or hurt. Take time out to enjoy simple things and surround yourself with what you like and love.

The old adage ‘use it or lose it’ very much applies here. Keep your brain working. Play games like chess or cards. Do crosswords or sudoku. Use your memory. Learn new things or take up past interests. Above all: be creative. As one man who has lived to be an active hundred-year-old says:

‘The secret of vitality in any human being is the desire to do something creative in life.’

LIFE/WORK

2007-08-07T00:50:00.000-07:00

If your job scores low on your scale of satisfaction then you need to make some changes. This might be improving the job you’re in, changing direction a little, changing careers entirely, or getting a better balance between your life and your work.

IMPROVING YOUR JOB
If you enjoy the environment you work in but feel bored or unappreciated, then it’s time to improve things. Start by evaluating yourself. Write down your unique qualities, your strengths, work style and expertise. Ask yourself where you’re under utilised in your job. Then see if there are ways you can improve in certain areas. Perhaps you could do a computer course or something similar to improve your skills, or learn another language. Gain extra experience by voluntary work or part-time work at weekends. Do some extra studies. Perhaps you have ideas on how your work could be made more interesting. Once you are clear about how your job could be improved approach the person in charge. People are surprisingly ready to listen if you tell them you want to do more or do extra, especially if you’re already a valued employee.

BRANCHING OUT
Sometimes it’s impossible to move forwards or sideways in a job and you may have come to the end of the road in that particular environment. Alternatively you may not get on with your boss or colleagues, even though you like what you do. Remember there are other jobs doing the same sort of thing, or you might even decide to become self-employed. Go out and start looking. Do your research carefully.

Find out what other jobs in your field are available. Are many of them advertised or do you need to network to find them? What qualifications are they asking for and do you have them? Is the pay better or worse? If necessary update or upgrade your skills. Get well prepared before seeking out another position. Get help writing your cv and covering letter if you’re not confident about doing it yourself. Plan answers to questions for interviews. Have a clear idea of what you want and why. Once you’re completely ready, go out there and apply. Don’t give up, even if it takes a while to find the right job.

If self-employment appeals to you then find out everything you can about the competition, about marketing, about costs. Do your research thoroughly. Seek expert advice if necessary. Do you want to work alone or with a partner? Think about whether or not you have the right personality. You’ll need to be organised, motivated and dedicated and, above all, confident in your service or product.

A COMPLETE CHANGE
Many of us find ourselves trapped in a career we’ve realised doesn’t suit us. This is often because we’ve gone into that field when very young not realising quite what it entailed, or because there have been changes over a period of time, in us or the work environment, that have made us feel differently about the job .

Whatever the reason, there’s no point staying there if you’re dissatisfied or depressed. It is possible to make a complete career change at any time in your life. Of course, the most important thing is to identify what you really want to be doing and sometimes this is the hardest part. If you already know exactly what you want to do then miss out the next paragraph!

Okay, you need to do a bit of brainstorming. We all have themes that run through our lives. List all the things you’ve done where you’ve achieved well, won prizes, been praised. These may be sports, school subjects or hobbies. Try to identify what has given you the most satisfaction in your life now and in the past. Don’t think about jobs you can do, but about what you enjoy. What do other people come to you for? Are you a leader, a follower, an advisor, an organiser, an innovator? What can you bring from past jobs into a new career?

Once you have some idea of what kind of career would suit you, you need to research. Arrange to meet and talk to anyone working in that field. Find out everything you can about it on the internet. Do you need extra qualifications? If so, where can you study and can you do it in your spare time? Is there any way you can get some experience in the meantime? Give yourself a period of time to get ready. This may be one year or three years or just a few months. Set yourself a goal and go all out to achieve it. It’s never too late to make a change.

LIFE/WORK BALANCE
This is the most common problem people have with their jobs. Somewhere along the line work has taken over your life and this leads to stress and ill-health. Work invades our personal lives mainly when we are working longer hours than we should. This may happen because we’re self-employed and daren’t or can’t switch off, or because we have the technology to work anywhere at any time, or because we want to climb the career ladder or earn more money so we put in overtime.

Remind yourself that you’ll be able to do none of these things if you’re ill. To remain healthy you need a balance in your life. There’s no point reaching the top of your profession if you’re too ill to maintain it, or earning lots of money if you’re too ill to enjoy it. Life is more than work and it’s important that you make time for other things in your life.

Try to manage your time better. Start by making a log of your activities, both in and outside work, for a week. This will give you a clearer idea of where your time goes and how you could make some changes. Is it possible to rearrange some schedules at work so that you’re able to spend less time there? Could you arrange to work late two days a week in return for finishing early once a week, or something similar? Can you organise your household more efficiently, getting support or help if necessary from cleaners, nannies, gardeners, family and friends? Try to organise your weekdays so that you can fit a few chores in, freeing up more time on your day off.

Learn to let go of what’s not important. Does it really matter if your home isn’t spotlessly clean at all times? Is it more important to spend time with your children or clean out the garage? Try not to be perfectionist about every aspect of your life.

Nurture yourself. Make sure you spend at least half an hour a day doing something for yourself, even if it’s during your lunch time: read a book, listen to music, go for a walk or to the gym, meditate or play games on the computer. Set aside one evening a week to do something you enjoy, either alone or with family and friends. Go out to eat, watch a film, write, paint, go canoeing or swimming or play golf. Ensure you have a day off once a week and don’t use it all to do your chores.

Remember that you don’t have to do everything. Decide what your priorities are and what you can and can’t do. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t do it all. Set yourself boundaries and stick to them so that you have a healthier and happier lifestyle.

LAUGHTER MEDICINE

2007-07-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

It amazes me how researchers are gradually finding that there’s a huge amount of truth in old wives tales and sayings. ‘Laughter is the best medicine’ is a classic. Are you aware just how seriously laughter is being taken nowadays?

Scientists believe that laughter came before speech in our evolution and certainly in child development a baby will be laughing before it talks. Laughter may originally have been a shared relief after the passing of danger. Children find it easy to play and laugh, but as we grow into adults we’re so overwhelmed by busyness and ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ that we lose that spontaneous ability, which is a shame, because it’s one of the healthiest things you can do.

Did you know that laughing 100 times is the equivalent of 15 minutes on an exercise bike? Laughter works out your diaphragm and your abdominal, respiratory, facial, leg and back muscles. It also lowers blood pressure and helps strengthen your immune system. That’s the physical side.

Mentally it’s magic! It alleviates stress, disperses depression, strengthens human bonds and relieves anger and anxiety. In fact, a lack of humour (often owing to low self-esteem) will slow your thought processes down, making you more prone to anxiety, stress and depression.

Humour in the workplace is fundamental in order to create cooperation, trust, team spirit, good morale and communication. Those few minutes of banter or telling jokes does everyone a power of good. If you’re a boss try to make sure you inject humour into situations and encourage others to do likewise. When people laugh together they work better together.

If you work in a humourless place, then try to log on to a joke website or something similar for five minutes during the day, or take a comedy book with you and read it at lunchtime.

Laughter is brilliant for diffusing situations. A light-hearted remark in the middle of a difficult problem relieves tension. If someone is angry and you can manage to make them laugh the anger fades. If you’re telling your children off or having a row with a teenager, humour goes a long way towards getting your point across.

I know a lot of this seems obvious, but far too many of us lead lives with an inadequate amount of laughter, which is very, very sad. It leads to ill-health, rage and unnecessary stress. Make up your mind to inject lots of laughter into your life. Even smiling and chuckling a lot will help. Read funny stories and jokes or, even better, tell funny stories and jokes. Watch comedy DVDs and sitcoms or listen to comedy CDs, read funny books and most of all find funny people to spend your time with. Develop your own sense of humour by trying to see the absurdity in events around you. Once you start looking you’ll find yourself laughing at situations all over the place instead of becoming irritable and you’ll find that other people start laughing with you.

My personal favourite is stand up comics and the ones that make me laugh the most are without doubt Eddie Izzard (a genius!), Alan Davies and Lee Evans. Give them a try and see if they make you laugh and let me know what makes you laugh too!

CHANGE YOUR MIND

2007-07-14T03:50:00.000-07:00

We’ve all heard the ‘is the glass half-full or half-empty?’ question. It’s a way of asking if you’re an optimist or a pessimist. Optimists tend to regard the world as a positive place. They believe that everything works out for the best in the end while pessimists seem to make their lives unnecessarily miserable by always assuming the worst.

Human beings have delved into discussions on human happiness since ancient times, although, until fairly recently, philosophers and researchers have focused more on what stops us being happy rather than what positively makes us happy. It’s interesting that in the last thirty years of the 20th century journals published 46,000 psychological papers on depression, but only 400 on joy. This has changed and there are now far more studies into mental ‘wellness’ as opposed to mental illness.

Martin Seligman, a well-known researcher in this field (and author of Learned Optimism: How to change your mind and your life) has explored why optimists are happier than pessimists and discovered that the main difference is the way they explain setbacks to themselves. It’s how we speak to ourselves inwardly that influences our attitudes. Optimists think of bad things happening as temporary problems that are not their fault and look for ways to move on from them. Pessimists see the bad things as permanent, their own fault and far-reaching.

What’s interesting is that optimists, despite being seen as reckless by some pessimists, are generally more successful. Optimism improves your health, while pessimism undermines it. In fact both of these states of mind are self-fulfilling prophecies because if you’re a pessimist you’re bound to feel defeated by what happens to you. If you’re an optimist you’ll tend to look for a way to overcome the problem.

Fortunately optimism can be learned! The glass can be half-full or half-empty, but you’ll be happier, healthier and more successful if you think of it as half-full. Start to talk to yourself more positively. Instead of calling yourself ‘stupid’ when you make a mistake try to say ‘Well, I learned from that mistake’. Instead of saying ‘I can’t’ try saying ‘I can’t at the moment’. Instead of seeing things that you do as right or wrong, see them as learning processes. Some basic changes in the vocabulary you use when listening to your inner voice makes enormous changes in the way you think about events around you.

Once you realise how much the way you think affects the way you tackle life, you can start to make changes to those thoughts and become a lot more optimistic. We’re not perfect. We all make mistakes so don’t keep blaming yourself. Unexpected problems happen and they help us grow as we deal with them. If you start to see life that way you’ll feel much better emotionally and you’ll be happier and healthier. It may take a while. Changing the way your mind works is almost as hard as changing your body, but it can certainly be done and it’s worth the effort.

(If you want to do a quick test to see whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist, then check out www.spiritualityhealth.com/cgi/optimism)

BLACK AND WHITE

2007-07-06T01:33:00.000-07:00

Although black really absorbs all colour and white reflects all colour we still think of them both as colours and they have a psychological effect on us.

WHITE

‘The future lies before you, like paths of pure white snow’.

White gives us a sense of space and freedom, although an excess amount of it can also be cold and isolating. It’s good for lessening shock or despair. Use it when you want to reflect on things without making any decisions

White gives us clarity, peace and comfort and you’ll be attracted to white if you have a need to reconnect with your inner self. It’s associated with a higher consciousness and spirituality and is wonderfully cleansing.

If you like the colour you probably want to simplify your life and to escape from outside pressures. You may be in a transitional phase in your life. If you dislike it you need to make more time to think and may want to move on from something emotional.

The right amount of white will leave you well-balanced, optimistic and living according to your inner beliefs. It’s great for getting rid of negative feelings. However, avoid it if you’re lonely or if you need to participate and make decisions. Remember that warm shades of white are better for you than cold.

BLACK

‘The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice’.

Traditionally it’s a colour associated with authority, power, death and mystery. However, it’s also protective, sophisticated and inspires self-confidence and strength. It’s a passive colour and too much of it will prevent you growing and changing. It’s not good if you’re feeling a lack of self-worth.

If you like it then you’re probably strong-willed, opinionated and disciplined. Be careful though, because you may be inflexible and too independent. Black is often used to hide behind while someone is working out their true identity, which is why it’s so popular with young people. If you don’t like it you probably want control and are seeking personal power.

Black is a good colour to use if you don’t want to be influenced by other people, or if you want to be self-sufficient and in control. Ideally you should add small amounts of other strong colours with black. In clothing this could be jewellery, a scarf or tie, or underwear and in décor it might be a bright piece of fabric, a rug or vase. They will counterbalance the negativity you may absorb from too much black.

GREY

‘All cats are grey in the dark’. (Thomas Lodge)

Grey is associated with independence, self-control and self-reliance. However, it’s also a colour that denotes evasion and non-commitment. People who use a lot of grey may want to remain aloof and uninvolved, but this can lead to loneliness and self-criticism if you don’t balance yourself with other colours.

If you love the colour you’re very much an individual and if you dislike it you probably need support from family and friends.

Remember to rest and relax and boost your energy, otherwise you may find yourself drained and passive. Like black, this is a colour best used along with amounts of other brighter colours.

GUT FEELINGS!

2007-06-28T00:04:00.000-07:00

Gut feeling, intuition or sixth sense. They mean the same: the ability to sense or know something that seems true without being able to reason or explain why. In recent years there’s been a great deal of research into the subject and it appears that we definitely have some kind of sixth sense, which is based in our ancestral heritage.

When he lived by his instincts man had to be constantly aware of the possibility of danger and what was happening around him. Those who were able to read a situation accurately and act on it quickly were more likely to survive. We are all born with intuition and as children we use it freely, but unfortunately, as we grow up, our minds become constrained by preconceptions and we lose this ability.

Most of our everyday thinking, feeling and acting happen outside our conscious awareness. Think how many things we do automatically: eating, speaking, driving, listening, running…..the list is endless. Our intuition is also automatic. It’s information that emerges from our subconscious in a similar way to a computer searching for files. A quarter of a second of information enters our brains, like a keyword, and pulls up anything we know from past experience or knowledge.

This is when we have a ‘gut feeling’. It’s not imagined - it’s real. The subconscious mind works ten times faster than the conscious mind so we just don’t process the information in our normal way. It’s a kind of unconscious association process.

The good news is that you can practise using your intuition and get in touch with your gut feelings. Begin by writing down any thoughts you have when you’re relaxed, ideas that suddenly pop into your head or bits of your dreams that stick in your mind. Try to give your physical hearing a rest for half an hour every day. Sit and think or meditate and sit in silence for a while. Have a notepad handy and jot down thoughts that go through your mind. (It’s no coincidence that some solutions to major inventions have happened while the inventor was dreaming, or out walking, or in the bath!).

Start to listen to what your instincts tell you. It may seem difficult to begin with, but the more you follow your gut feelings the easier it becomes. Remember though: intuition is fantastic for some things, but not to be relied upon for others. For example, it’s excellent for judging people or for using along with creativity and expertise…..but not so good for what numbers will win the lottery! Ideally you should use your sixth sense together with what you know in your conscious mind.

Your gut feelings can help you enormously in dealing with people, in meeting the person you love, in buying material possessions, such as a house, or a car, or taking a new job, because all these things are subjective. Our brains absorb many clues from our surroundings, but too often we ignore the inner voice urging us in the right direction. If you learn to use intuition wisely it will prove a very useful tool in your life. However, always bear in mind that it’s to replace the unknown, not to replace what you already know.

SHADES

2007-06-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

So far I’ve covered the main colours in the spectrum, but there are many shades between. In general, the more intense the colour the stronger the energies you’ll pick up from it, so in some cases you might want to choose the paler shades of a colour. For example, if you have a tendency towards depression then you would be better to avoid too much dark blue and go for lighter blues, in order to receive the right balance. If you have a tendency to be hyperactive, then a bright intense orange may make you feel even more so. Instead, use shades of peach and apricot so that you receive the benefits of the colour without absorbing an excess of energy. Two other colours that are very effective in our lives are pink and turquoise.

PINK

'Slow buds the pink dawn like a rose'.

Pink is seen as a romantic and charming colour, mostly worn and used by women, although there are times when it becomes fashionable for men. It’s associated with an unselfish kind of love and protection and is playful, tender, warm and nurturing. Be careful though, because large amounts of pink in your life can make you feel weak, both physically and emotionally.

If you like pink you’ll have a very affectionate and loving nature, but you may sometimes be weak-willed and need support from others. Try to work towards being more self-reliant and make sure you have a good balance of other colours in your life to help you.

If you dislike pink you probably have some unresolved emotional issues with one or both of your parents.

Pink is particularly good for when you need to be kind to yourself. It’s soothing and increases a sense of self-love and self-worth. It also lessens any feelings of irritation or aggression. Therefore an excellent colour to be used in places such as prisons and psychiatric hospitals. It’s a great colour to wear if you need to be sympathetic and compassionate towards others, but is best avoided if you’re not feeling very assertive or for someone who’s emotionally immature.

TURQUOISE

'Place on your hand a turquoise blue, success will bless whate'er you do'.

Turquoise is a lovely mixture of peaceful green and soothing blue. It’s very much a calming colour and is great for mental strain and tiredness. An excellent colour t have in the bedroom, if not too vibrant. It’s also a colour for a fresh start and for youthful feelings. It heightens sensitivity, creativity and communication. It’s a good colour to surround yourself with when you’re feeling lonely.

Think of the different turquoise and aqua colours we find in the sea. Looking at the sea is very calming for us and so is the colour. It’s a refreshing tonic and works especially well in hot climates.

If you dislike the colour you’re probably shutting off your true feelings or you’re afraid of change and live in a bit of an emotional rut.
Use turquoise when you want to increase your emotional resistance or when you’re trying to overcome an addiction. It’s particularly good for boosting your immune system and is excellent for tense or nervous personalities. It will help you feel fresh and young.

BE CREATIVE!

2007-06-23T00:17:00.000-07:00

‘Happiness….lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort.’(Franklin D. Roosevelt)

Throughout history creativity has been used to help healing. Studies have shown that it helps us live longer and improves our self-esteem. It also stops us feeling isolated and lessens depression. It’s a very necessary part of a healthy well-balanced lifestyle.

Creating is about generating new ideas or concepts. It helps us to open up an inner emotional part of ourselves, allowing us to make choices and decisions and have some control over something in our lives. I’m not talking just about arts and crafts. Other pursuits like cooking, decorating or gardening, for example, require creative expression.

Psychologists have identified a state of the mind that they call ‘flow’, because it’s like a current of water pulling you along. It’s when people are so absorbed in what they’re doing that they feel fully involved and have a high level of concentration. They lose self-consciousness and focus on clear goals. There’s no fear of failure. It’s often a time altered state and is rewarding and seemingly effortless. In fact, it’s almost like a form of meditation. Can you remember times when you’ve felt this? Can you remember what you were doing?

Okay, so how do you go about being creative? First, you need to find what appeals to you. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do or something you did when you were a child that gave you huge enjoyment? Look and listen to everything around you to find out what inspires you. People are motivated to create by a need for varied stimulation, or to communicate ideas and values, or to solve problems.

Many people put off trying something new because of a little inner critic telling them they can’t do it. Ask yourself: what’s the worst that can happen? There’s no right or wrong way to create. It’s a learning experience with no restrictive rules. It’s for fulfilment and fun, not for approval. It’s play, not competition.
Here’s a list of possible things to choose from, although there are many more:

Make greetings cards, scrapbooking, jewellery making, singing, writing music, playing a musical instrument, designing clothes, painting, drawing cartoons, photography, collage, quilting, writing stories, writing poetry, gardening, woodwork, carving, sculpture, interior design, dance, amateur dramatics....

Once you’ve decided what appeals to you, then take the steps to start doing it: book a lesson, join a group, buy the materials, read books about the subject, collect pictures, visit galleries or museums, research on the internet. Make space in your life to fit it in. Go out and DO IT!

Remember: creativity improves your memory, boosts your morale, gives you a sense of well-being, helps you face adversity, makes you emotionally resilient, and lifts depression. It’s just as important as physical exercise in your life….and it’s great fun too!

ORANGE GLOW

2007-06-19T03:25:00.000-07:00

Orange is the happiest colour’ (Frank Sinatra)

This colour is considered a sign of joy and happiness and is associated with our energy and emotions. It’s flamboyant, energetic and warm. Although it’s the least popular of the colours it has lots of beneficial qualities.

Orange mentally uplifts us and is a great colour for boosting self-esteem or renewing interest in life. It helps us forgive others and go beyond the constraints of our families or communities, so that we confidently move out in the world. It allows us to have the freedom to be ourselves and also to respect others’ freedom.

Too much orange in your environment can make you emotionally explosive, overindulgent, hyperactive and obsessed with sex. It tends to make people sexually manipulative and may create problems with money.

Too little of the colour in your life can cause you to repress your emotions and your sexuality, while making you distrustful and accentuating any feelings of guilt. You may have low self-esteem and feel uncreative and bored with your life.

If you don’t like orange then you are probably mentally and physically exhausted, in which case surround yourself with the paler shades, the peaches and apricots, in order to get the benefit without too much of the energy.

Orange is a source of laughter and zest for life. Having a balanced amount of orange surrounding you will encourage you to explore and enjoy life. This attracts people and helps you become comfortable socially, with an easy connection to others. It helps you form positive relationships. With the right balance of orange you will be friendly, caring, creative, optimistic and in touch with your gut feelings. It also enables you to let go of the past.

Our self-respect is related to the colour orange. It can work as an anti-depressant. It uplifts and enlivens us while giving us a feeling of warmth and security. Use it when you need some lightness and laughter around you. Avoid it if you’re feeling confused, frustrated or claustrophobic.

It’s the colour for activity and exercise. It strengthens your immune system and aids digestion. It’s a wonderful colour for the gym, or the kitchen and anywhere that you socialise, but is best avoided in bedrooms as it can be over-stimulating and make you feel restless. Use it whenever you want to feel positive, energetic and active. Learn to love it, because it’s extremely good for you!

HEARTBREAK

2007-06-12T00:19:00.000-07:00

I decided to write this because over and over again I meet people through my work or my agony aunt column, who are trying to deal with a loss of a partner, whether it’s breaking up, divorce or bereavement. In all cases the feelings are much the same and it’s a very difficult situation to overcome.

First acknowledge that healing can’t be rushed. There’s no quick fix….but you will get better. It’s especially hard if you’re the person who was ‘dumped’. Rejection has all sorts of repercussions on your personality, particularly if you’ve been rejected before, in your childhood for example. You start to doubt that you will ever meet the ‘love of your life’, that there is nobody out there who cares about you, that everything is pointless and that there’s something wrong with you.

Remember: it’s not your fault! Please don’t start blaming yourself. For whatever reasons a relationship fails there are two people involved. The other person is not usually reacting to who you are, but to their own fears and problems.

When a relationship ends we go through a series of phases:

SHOCK

Initially there is a period of very painful emotion or sometimes numbness. The symptoms are physical, it truly hurts and it feels as though you will never recover. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as ill. Go to bed for a day or two if necessary. Cry. Find a sympathetic friend or a counsellor to talk to. Avoid anyone who wants to say ‘I told you so’. Pamper yourself. You are going through a huge emotional turmoil and can’t expect to function as normal. If it helps, write a letter to the person who’s hurt you and pour out your feelings, but don’t send it. Burn it. Write another…and another, until you’ve vented some of the emotion.

You may feel foolish for trusting and have very low self-esteem. You may lack confidence in your judgement. Give yourself a long break. Even if you’d like to remain friends with the other person, try not to see them for a few months or until you’ve started to recover. If you have to see them, then keep it to a minimum. It’s not a good idea to go straight into a new relationship, even though it may be tempting. You need to love yourself again before starting to love someone else.

DENIAL

This is the most difficult stage to move on from, when you may fantasise about getting back together. You have an inner voice that keeps saying ‘why?’, ‘if only’ and ‘what if’. In the majority of cases you’ll never know the answers to your questions and will only torture yourself by going over and over these thoughts in your mind. You have to get rid of these thoughts in order to move forward. Put anything that reminds you of your partner in a box and put it away where you can’t see it. You don’t want to dwell on memories now.

Accept that good and bad stuff happens. This has happened and it won’t change. There’s no point dwelling on something that stops you getting on with your life. Start assuring yourself that you deserve better. You’re a worthwhile person and good stuff will start happening again. You can do it.

SADNESS

Of course you will feel sadness and depression at times. Reality is hitting you, so acknowledge that it’s okay to feel like that. If you act as though you’re okay you won’t get the emotional support and practical help you need from other people. This is the time to start looking back at the relationship for negative aspects. What was the relationship REALLY like? Often we choose to ignore things that we don’t want to accept. Perhaps the clues were there.

Make a list of all the negative things about the relationship. Use this to remind you of the bad when you start fantasising that it was all good. It will also help you work out what it is you want from a relationship in the future and what mistakes you don’t want to repeat.

ANGER

Good! It’s excellent to start being angry. You’re feeling again. You’ll start to realise that you don’t miss the partner as such, but the idea of being with the partner. The person in your mind and memory is not the real person. Keep reminding yourself of that. Try to work out exactly what you’re angry about. Is it humiliation, jealousy, fear or resentment? The chances are that the anger is something to do with the way you feel about yourself and nothing to do with the other person. Realise that you don’t want to be with someone who makes you feel that way.

Try exercising to get rid of some of the pent up emotion. Kick boxing or running is great, or hit a punch bag…or even a pillow! Meditation is excellent too. Think of the anger as something that’s flowing through your body in waves and as it passes on you’re being cleansed and the anger is disappearing.

ACCEPTANCE

You’re getting there. The physical and mental anguish starts to fade. You can see the relationship with some perspective and know that you’re moving on in your life. This is the time to learn to forgive so that you can let go. Forgiving yourself and the other person shows that you are accepting reality and are willing to get over it.

Write a list of all the things you gained from the relationship. The things you learned about yourself and the things you’re grateful for. Reflect on what you’ve gained rather than lost. Use what you’ve learned towards the future. See it for what it is: another step forward in life.

MOVING ON

Concentrate on building your self esteem. Make new connections, do new things and focus on your needs. Reclaim your life. Remind yourself that you’re free and that being single is a wonderful chance to develop yourself. Head towards your dreams. Work towards being comfortable with and loving yourself. It will all help you love someone else again.

GO PURPLE!

2007-06-05T04:39:00.000-07:00

‘I think it pisses God off if you walk by the colour purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it.’ (Alice Walker)

People tend to feel strongly about the colour purple and either love or hate it, although there are in fact many variations from lavender to deep violet. This is a wonderful colour to learn to like, because it fosters intuition and understanding. It’s dramatic, spiritual and associated with beauty, art and inspiration.

Purple is an excellent colour to use when you’re meditating and to surround yourself with when you’re making changes in your life. It helps you to think objectively and tap into your creative energy. It connects our conscious to our subconscious and makes us feel relaxed and comforted. It has been used in psychiatric care to help calm and pacify patients and has a mentally cleansing effect. People also use the colour as an appetite suppressant.

If you’re interested in psychic energy and powers then surround yourself with purple. It’s known to stimulate intuition and the spiritual self. If it’s a colour you love then it’s time for you to let go of the past and look forward to the future.

Too much purple in your life will make you manipulative and impatient and you will worry a lot. If you dislike it you are probably feeling trapped by someone else’s authority, or else having a creative block.

Not having enough purple in your life will make you wary of success, undisciplined and forgetful. You’ll find it difficult to be in tune with what’s happening around you.

The right balance of purple will connect you to your intuitive and creative powers. It will also make you less materialistic and less afraid of death. It’s generally thought that purple is the colour most appropriate for the next few decades, as people are becoming more aware of their spirituality and want peace and harmony in the world.

Purple is the perfect colour for creative people such as artists and musicians. (Leonardo da Vinci was a big fan of purple!). If you’re wanting to be creative then try wearing purple, or having some to look at while you’re working. If you’re having a creative block, then use the colour to free up your thoughts.

Purple is the connection between our spiritual selves and our physical selves. It makes us aware of being part of the universe and lifts us above the day to day trials and tribulations of day to day life, giving us great inner wisdom and understanding.

CHARMING!

2007-06-01T03:01:00.000-07:00

‘The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back’ (Dale Carnegie)

What makes someone charming? We all know some of those people who are universally liked. Nelson Mandela is a prime example.

Being liked is fundamental to our well-being, both physically and mentally. Having good self-esteem is the key to happiness and success and being liked raises our self-esteem, helping us achieve the things we want in life.

In a nutshell, the secret to being socially successful is about making people feel good about themselves and it begins with feeling good about yourself. Accept who you are, warts and all, and be content with yourself. This will immediately give you a sense of security which will attract other people. If you act confident you’ll become confident. Most importantly, learn to laugh at yourself.

The more you’re the real you the more relaxed you’ll be. People quickly pick up on any insincerity or tension. You don’t have to try hard to be liked, just try to like other people. If you have a genuine interest in and desire to engage with people they’ll sense it. Expect to enjoy being with people and they’ll enjoy being with you! Here are some practical tips on how to be a charmer:

When first meeting people smile. If meeting several people in a group don’t smile too quickly at everyone. Try to smile at them individually as you get to talk to them. Remember names, and, if you’ve forgotten after the introduction, apologise and ask them again as soon as you can.

Be aware of anyone else who’s uncomfortable. Empathy goes a long way towards making friends.

Remember that you have two ears for listening and one mouth for talking. Listening is more important than talking when meeting people. You’re not boring if you’re listening. Talking all the time is boring!

Get people to talk about themselves. Ask questions needing more than yes/no answers and be interested in the answers. Give positive feedback, but don’t agree with everything they say or you’ll seem insincere.

Concentrate on the person you’re dealing with. Maintain eye contact and don’t forget about body language. Lean towards them, but not too close, and don’t look round for other people to talk to!

Establish a connection by finding similarities between you (like work, where you live, common interests etc.) and exchange ideas and information.

Find out what’s unique and special about them. Everyone has something worth listening to and everyone is potentially important in your life.

Always show respect for other people’s opinions. Don’t create arguments. Hostility just creates more hostility. Listen to their views, even if you end up disagreeing. We’re each entitled to our own opinions.

Accept criticism gracefully and always admit your mistakes. It makes you more likeable.

If you find small talk difficult, then gen up on current affairs, humourous anecdotes, new books/films/art or recent sports events.

Remember that sending out a clear signal to someone that you like them will make them like you. However, above all, be sincere and when you leave try to do it on a high note because that’s the way you’ll be remembered! So go out there and charm everyone!

(Read ‘The Power of Social Intelligence’ by Tony Buzan if you want to learn more on this subject)

BLUE

2007-05-29T01:47:00.000-07:00

‘Blue colour is everlastingly appointed by the Deity to be a source of delight’ (John Ruskin)

Think how relaxing it is staring up at a bright blue sky or looking out over an expanse of blue sea. Blue is a cool and calming colour. We’re soothed by the deep blue of a night sky. It’s the colour of relaxation, tranquility and peace. Blue light has been shown to lower blood pressure and dark blue is good for curing insomnia and alleviating pain. Bear in mind, though, that too much dark blue can worsen depression.

Light, soft blues give us a sense of quiet and an escape from the stresses of everyday life. They inspire mental control and clarity. Blue helps strengthen your willpower and your individuality. It’s an excellent colour to use when you’re converting your dreams to reality.

It’s also the colour of communication and self-expression. With a good balance of blue in your life you will communicate honestly and effectively.

Too much blue in your life can make you talk too much and without thinking before you speak. Too little blue can create a lack of self-control or willpower and cause you to communicate badly. You’re likely to be timid and quiet and too quick to compromise. You might not feel able to say what you want, and this can lead to depression.

If you don’t like blue you probably have a fear of failure, or a fear of losing your status or position. Someone may have been disloyal and let you down, making you feel rejected.

Blue is the colour of space, quiet, reassurance and sensitivity. It represents loyalty and trust. Use blue where you want to relax or discover your individuality and personal strength of will. However, if you have a tendency towards depression, don’t surround yourself with too much blue.

BOUNCING BACK

2007-05-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

‘Life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb, but how well you bounce’.

We all have ups and downs in our lives, whatever our circumstances. Adversity comes in all forms: health issues, relationship problems, financial worries, bereavement etc. To maintain a healthy attitude towards these problems we need resilience. Psychologists are realising that an ability to bounce back from setbacks is one of the keys to leading a satisfied life.

We’re not born with or without resilience. It’s something we can learn and develop. The core behaviours are emotional control and openness to new experiences.

Emotional control is something we should all work on! Having a tantrum or a road rage episode is never a solution. When confronted with situations where you feel your anger rising, take a breath and think clearly about what will happen if you lose your temper. In public it will be embarrassing and there’s a chance you might be physically assaulted; in private you’re liable to say or do things you’ll later regret. Ultimately you’ll only be making yourself unnecessarily stressed and upset. Try to react to negative situations with good grace, courage, humour and optimism. You’ll feel a lot better for it.

Talk to friends or family about how you’re feeling. The act of putting your emotions into words and describing the situation will help you keep calm and give you more clarity. Keeping a sense of humour is also an enormous help and alleviates anger and tension.

Focus on the positive and see things in perspective. For example, having your car stolen is not a life and death event. You will get through it and move on.

Being open to new experiences helps you work out solutions to problems. Think around the problem from different angles and be open to any possibilities. You may have to move out of your comfort zone, but you’ll learn from your difficulties. Often we close ourselves off from escape routes because we’re too frightened to try something different. It’s people who are willing to take new directions or think ‘out of the box’ who tend to bounce back from life’s setbacks.

Remember that the way we feel about life and ourselves is not so much because of what happens to us, as because of the way we respond. Resolve to be more resilient and transform hardship into challenge or failure into success. Don’t be a victim, be a survivor!

YELLOW

2007-05-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

YELLOW

‘I really just want to be warm yellow light that pours over everyone I love.’ (Conor Oberst)

Yellow is associated with the intellect, personal power and self-esteem. The warmer the yellow tone the more positive it is. It helps us form our opinions and make the right decisions, therefore helping us achieve our goals and ambitions. Yellow helps our self-esteem to grow and flourish and stimulates us into taking risks.

If you’re drawn to yellow you probably need to trust your instincts and intuition more. If you dislike the colour it is probable that you’ve suffered disappointments or a loss of personal power.

Too much yellow in your life is liable to make you a workaholic, a perfectionist and judgmental. Not having enough leaves you insecure, depressed and weighed down by low self-esteem. A good balance of yellow will make you intelligent, confident, charismatic and expressive.

Yellow is a great colour to help relieve depression and loneliness, and to increase optimism. It helps expand your horizons, bringing excitement and fun into your life. It stimulates the brain, making you feel clear-headed and alert, therefore helping you have good organisational skills, a good memory and the ability to see different points of view clearly.

Surround yourself with or wear yellow if you’re feeling fearful, or expecting a confrontation. Use it to benefit your intellect and to build your confidence. Yellow is the colour that reminds you that you should first love yourself before loving others.

GREEN

2007-05-15T03:46:00.000-07:00

‘Mine be the breezy hill that skirts the down, Where a green grassy turf is all I crave’. (James Beattie)

The colour green has always been associated with regeneration and calmness. It’s the colour of love, compassion, kindness and tolerance. With a good balance of green in our lives we’re more able to be friendly, in touch with our feelings and positive with other people. We feel loved and open to be loved, secure, contented and relaxed. We are able to trust and take risks.

An excess of green can make you demanding, oversensitive and vulnerable. Too little makes you indecisive, frightened of rejection, unforgiving and sorry for yourself. A dislike of green usually means you are lonely or have suffered rejection or an emotional trauma. Try to reintroduce it around you until you’ve learned to like it.

Bring green into your life by consciously looking at the trees and plants around you. Try walking in places where you’re surrounded by nature and absorb all the different hues of green in the scenery. You need a combination of light and dark greens to get the right balance. Too much dark green can create sadness and too much lime or light green can create emotions of resentment and possessiveness.

Green is the colour associated with our hearts and is central to our well-being. It’s therefore particularly important to make sure you have a good balance of green in your life.

COLOUR YOUR MOOD

2007-05-15T01:31:00.000-07:00

Colour is so much a part of our lives that most of us take it for granted. Have you noticed how often colours are used in language? Examples: in the pink, feeling blue, blacken his name, a yellow streak, green with envy. Colour surrounds us and has an enormous subconscious impact on us. Some colours make us feel calm and relaxed, others make us happy or sad, or energised and stimulated.

Think back to some of your favourite colours. I expect you’ll find they were the ones you needed at that particular time of your life. Often the colours we choose to wear on certain days reflect our mood. By consciously surrounding yourself with the right colours you can add a sense of balance to your life. Why don’t you try an experiment? Try using the colours you need in your clothing, around your home and in the garden, or in a vase of flowers. Personally I have a collection of bright coloured glass which I move around my home, depending on my mood.

Every week I’m going to post a short piece on each colour and how it affects us. I hope you’ll enjoy experimenting on a day to day basis and find out what a mood enhancer it can be. Let me know any interesting findings!

FRIEND OR FOE?

2007-05-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

Are your friends good for you? Sometimes we end up having relationships with people who subtly sabotage us. They’re usually well-intentioned but they have their own issues and it can have a negative effect on your life. Here are some of the friends who may be foes in disguise:

Dream suffocators
These people believe they’re protecting you from disappointment. They attempt to dissuade you from trying to fulfil your dreams. Don’t tell them too much about what you dream about doing or achieving.

Negative Moaners
These complainers constantly bring you down because they always list their woes and negative thoughts, wanting you to join in and agree. Don’t join in. Consciously aim to be positive when you’re with them.

Puppeteers
A lot of people want to live their lives through others. They manipulate you into doing what they believe is the right thing. The best way to deal with them is not to ask for their advice.

Competitors
These people have their own fears and feel threatened by your confidence and talents. They try to undermine you while seeming to be helpful and concerned. It’s best to avoid this type if you can and at least try not to confide in them.

Living in the past
Some people constantly remind you of your past mistakes. They don’t seem to realise that you’ve changed and moved forward. They’re scared you’ll leave them behind, so they try to hold you back. If possible help them move forward with you.

Occasionally you need to leave really bad relationships behind you if they’re undermining you. In most cases though, it’s a question of being careful about what you share with whom. Remember that they have their own opinions which aren’t necessarily right for you. If possible surround yourself with as many positive, upbeat friends as you can.

RULES TO A HAPPY LIFE

2007-04-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

Rule One - You will receive a body, which you might love or hate but it's yours for life, so learn to love and accept it. The important thing is what’s inside.

Rule Two - You will be presented with lessons. Life is a constant learning experience giving each of us individually, opportunities to learn more every day. Learning those lessons helps you understand the meaning and relevance of your own life.

Rule Three - There are no mistakes, only lessons. Your development towards wisdom is a journey of experimentation, trial and error. Sometimes things won’t go according to plan or turn out how you want. Compassion and forgiveness allow you to deal with harsh treatment and help erase leftover emotions. Learning to behave fairly to all, with integrity and humour and learning to laugh at yourself and your own mishaps will all help you see that ‘mistakes' are simply lessons we have to learn.

Rule Four - The lesson is repeated until learned. Problems, challenges, irritations and frustrations are also lessons, which will repeat until you see them as such and learn from them. Your own awareness and your ability to change will help you deal with these setbacks. Accept that you are not a victim of fate or circumstance but things happen to you because of the sort of person you are and what you do. To blame anyone or anything else for your misfortunes is escape and denial. Only you are responsible for you and what happens to you. You need to be patient because change doesn't happen quickly. Give it time to happen.

Rule Five - Learning does not end. There are lessons to be learned all through your life. It’s the rhythm of life and there’s no point in struggling against it. Decide that you will learn and change constantly. Acknowledge your weaknesses, and be flexible enough to adapt to change. This will give you access to the freedom of new possibilities.

Rule Six - "There" is no better than "here". The grass is not necessarily greener and being somewhere else is not the key to endless happiness. Be grateful for and enjoy what you have, and where you are. Appreciate all the good things in your life, rather than pay too much attention to things that will not actually lead to happiness. Living in the present will help you feel happier.

Rule Seven - Others are only mirrors of you. Whatever you love or hate about another person is what you love or hate about yourself. Be tolerant, accept others as they are, and try to be self-aware. Try to truly understand and have an objective perception of your thoughts and feelings. Negative experiences are opportunities to learn more about yourself and your emotions. Support others, because in that way you support yourself. If you feel unable to support others it shows that you are not looking after your own needs.

Rule Eight - What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need and what you do with them is up to you. Take responsibility for yourself. Learn to let go when you cannot change things. Don't get angry because bad thoughts and memories will only clutter your mind. Be strong and use your courage and adventurous spirit to do what you know is right for you.

Rule Nine - The answers lie inside you. Trust your instincts and intuition. Listen to feelings as well as sounds. Look, listen, and trust yourself. Draw on your natural inspiration.

Rule Ten - You will forget all this at birth. We are born with these capabilities, but our early experiences lead us away from our spiritual selves. We grow doubtful, cynical and lack belief and confidence. The ten Rules are universal truths that apply to us all. Aspire to be wise. Wisdom knows no limits other than those you impose on yourself.

(Based on the 10 Rules of life by Cherie Carter-Scott)

ATTRACTING WHAT YOU WANT

2007-04-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

I talked about luck and being lucky in a previous post. Now I want to ask everyone about the Law of Attraction, which is what luck is all about. The Law of Attraction says that we all guide ourselves by the same universal laws. Basically this means that everything that happens in your life is attracted by your thoughts and energy.

Answer these questions:

1. Are you in a happy relationship?

2. Do you have close friends?

3. How are your finances?

4. Do you get on well with your family?

5. Do you enjoy your work?

6. Do you like your body?

7. Do you feel fit and healthy?

8. Do you have a spiritual belief?

Okay. Think over the answers that immediately came into your mind. Those are the thoughts that govern what you're attracting to your life. If they're not happy positive thoughts then you need to make some changes in the way you're thinking. Even if you're sceptical about this isn't it worth a try?

Consciously change your thoughts for a while and see if it makes a difference. First, try not to dwell on the negative aspects of your life. Instead concentrate on the positive. See the good in everything. For example: mistakes are learning experiences. Summarise all the good things in your life. Write them down if it helps. Then take a look at them. How can you use them to plan a more positive future? Start to direct your thoughts towards the things that make you happy.

Look at yourself objectively and write down all your good qualities, the qualities other people admire about you, your achievements (big or small) and the things that make you feel passionate. Take a look at what you've written. This is your essential nature. Remind yourself of this several times a day.

Imagine how you want your life to be. Envisage it in detail and think about it for a few minutes every day. Stick up pictures of the things that epitomise the lifestyle you want, the partner you want or the job you want. Make some plans to achieve those things, even if they're small goals, such as using your time more efficiently.

See what happens in your life if you do this for a few months. You'll be amazed at how all sorts of things come into your life to help you achieve what you want. Try it and see and let me know how you get on!

LONELY?

2007-02-12T10:16:00.000-08:00

There are times of the year when a lot of people feel especially lonely: Christmas, birthdays or Valentines Day for example. It feels as though everybody else has friends except you. You feel empty and alienated from everybody. Someone wrote: 'loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty'. It's a depressing way to feel and yet so many of us have felt it at one time or another. In many ways it's part of being a human. The good news is that there are ways of dealing with loneliness and finding a way forward.

When you feel lonely all sorts of thoughts start to build up in your mind. You feel isolated and disconnected from everybody, which makes you feel socially inadequate. This leads to low self-esteem and a belief that there is something wrong with you. Gradually you become distanced from your surroundings, shy and scared with other people, anxious, sad and reluctant to try anything new. It's like being a tortoise hiding in your shell. The difficulty is that all these things make it harder to drag yourself out of the rut and move forward.

Okay, so what can you do about it? Let's start with what you should NOT do! Hiding away physically and not going out, or drinking too much, taking drugs, or sleeping all the time don't work. In fact they just make you feel worse and your self-esteem sinks to even lower depths, so if you're doing any of those things then stop at once. Resolve to start changing your life today.
First, assess your circumstances. What is making you feel lonely and why? There are several different reasons why people start to feel isolated:

Living on your own
Living far from family and friends
Finding it difficult to socialise
Feeling as though there is nobody you can connect with
Being physically restricted from meeting people by illness, lack of transport etc.

Now tackle your particular situation. If it's because you have recently come out of a relationship or been bereaved, then accept that it will take some time to recover. Treat this as a grieving period and visit the many websites that help you deal with grief. Read them and find other people going through the same thing. There are forums where you can talk to each other. There's nothing like a problem shared to make you feel better!

Perhaps you've moved to a new area because of work and know nobody there. Maybe you live in a city and find it difficult to meet people. Even when you're in a relationship you can feel very alone.

Whatever the reason, loneliness is something that happens inside you and the best way to overcome it is to learn to be happy within yourself and about yourself. It IS possible to be happy in a mostly solitary situation, although we do all need emotional connections with other human beings as well. So, you need to work on two things: learning to appreciate yourself for the wonderful person you are, and communicating in an emotional sense with others. The latter means making contact with people. I know this is hard when you're feeling down and you may have to make an effort to begin with, but after a while the benefits will far outweigh the effort and you'll find your initial anxiety will quickly disappear as you begin to have a good time.

Start by identifying some of the things you enjoy doing or are interested in, or even something you've always wanted to learn to do. Even if they appear to be solitary there will be other people out there who enjoy doing the same things. The secret to comfortable socialising is finding like-minded people. Go out and join some clubs or attend some courses. Volunteer for a charity that interests you. If you're worried about talking to other people remember this: being a good listener is a much valued and rare trait which makes you universally liked, so you don't need to worry if you can't think of much to say!

Have you thought about getting a pet? It's been proven that having an animal companion helps immeasurably. If you can't or don't have a dog or cat, think about something smaller, like a bird or hamster. You can talk to them, handle them and care for them and they are fantastic companions. You can also use your computer and websites to make contact with like-minded people. There are millions of people online who are lonely and seeking someone to talk to. Search around for people with your interests and start emailing. Some of those people will become your friends.

Other things you can do that will help are: changing your routine, writing a diary or a book, listening to music, painting, or watching comedy on TV. Anything that gives you a sense of communication will help to lift your mood. Smiling and laughing is highly infectious and very healthy.

In fact, wherever you go, smile at people! Try an experiment: go out one day and smile at everyone you talk to and everyone you make eye contact with. It'll make you feel good and you'll find people respond, smile back and often talk to you too.

Start to focus on what a great person you are. Make a list of all the positive things people have said about you and of all the things that you do well, however small they seem. Write yourself an affirmation. It really does work. Write something along the lines of 'I'm a worthwhile and highly visible person. I don't need anybody else to make me happy. I make myself happy'. Say this to yourself several times a day and you'll find your mood will gradually change.

Look at being on your own as a positive thing. It gives you time to concentrate on yourself and question what you want and need from life. After all, you and you alone can make yourself happy. Nobody else can do it for you. I'm not suggesting that you shut yourself off from others. We all need people in our lives, but the happier you are within yourself and with being a solitary person, the more people will be attracted to you and the more friends you'll make. I promise!

Keep busy doing things that genuinely interest you or that you feel passionate about and become emotionally involved with whatever you decide to do. Developing self-sufficiency can take a while, but it's worth the effort. Above all, don't be scared to ask other people for help, whoever they are. You'll be bowled over by how positively people respond. Others are usually extremely flattered to be asked for help or advice and sometimes they're just as lonely as you are and equally scared of approaching people, so why not take the initiative? Go on....get out there. Change your life !

JUST YOUR LUCK?

2007-01-29T03:22:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about luck. Do you consider yourself lucky or unlucky and why? Let me know your thoughts. It's an interesting concept. I'd love to hear any stories of how bad luck turned into good luck or vice versa. People often don't see the good luck because they're so preoccupied with what seems like bad luck.

The definition of good luck describes it as something that's beyond our control; 'An unknown and unpredictable phenomenon that leads to a favourable outcome'. However, I'm not so sure. Let's take a couple of examples. What about someone who's made redundant from their job? At first it seems like a huge insurmountable problem, but if you're the type of person who looks for alternatives it could mean you have the opportunity to start working in a field that makes you happier, or else start your own business doing what you truly love.

Then there's the example of being stuck in a traffic jam. So many of us rage away about the traffic and become highly stressed. It may seem like bad luck to be sitting there stationary for several hours, but what if it means you miss a plane or train that crashes? You could say that in both instances the bad luck becomes good.

Dr Richard Wiseman (the author of The Luck Factor) found in his studies that our thoughts and behaviour affect much of what happens to us. It seems that 'lucky' people create their own luck. It's largely to do with the way you see life. The good news is that we can all learn to be more lucky. There are four basic ways you can do this:

Listen to your intuition when making decisions.
Embrace new experiences and breaks in normal routine so that you will create and see chance opportunities.
Give some thought each day to things that have gone well in your life and realise that sometimes what seemed like bad luck turned out to be good.
Expect to be lucky. Have positive expectations and visualise things going well before you do them.

So called lucky people are people who have good self-esteem and self-awareness. This means they are more able to convince other people that they're worthy of help and more able to achieve what they want in life. They tell themselves they are worthy and deserve the best. They believe they are entitled to good luck and they therefore often go along with the unexplainable things that happen, knowing that the overall outcome will be good.

To put yourself in the right frame of mind for good luck you need to appreciate yourself. Think of all your strengths. Are you a good helper, a good listener, a good friend? Do you surround yourself with individuals who appreciate you? Sometimes people unintentionally fill you with negative thoughts about yourself. Try to avoid them. Look at what you think of as negative experiences in your life and realise that they almost always teach you life lessons that have benefited you.

Being successful is in the mind of the achiever. Make sure that you recognise success in your life, whatever other people might think. My daughter is frightened of heights, but she managed to do a sky dive and to her that is one of the major successes in her life.

Let me know what you think and here are some great 'good luck' quotations:

'Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.' (Seneca)

'I'm a great believer in luck and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.' (Thomas Jefferson)

'We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.' (Charles R. Swindell)

'Luck is believing you're lucky.' (Tennessee Williams)

HELP FOR YOU

2007-01-21T23:08:00.000-08:00

'Carina was my life coach for nearly four months. When she started to coach me I was going through a particularly traumatic time in my life, having had cancer, being made redundant and going through the angst of the break up of a three year relationship. I was terribly low. Carina coached me through and resurrected the confidence and self-esteem I had lost. I now feel more able to cope with day to day life and I would recommend anyone having problems, whatever they might be, to consider life coaching with Carina.'
Trisha, U.K.

'I achieved more in the twelve weeks I was being coached by Carina than I had in years of trying on my own. It was great to have someone who was supportive and encouraging, but also so skillful and caring. We discussed the things I wanted to achieve and looked at new ways of doing things and new ways of thinking, which made all the difference. I have made real changes in my life that I know I wouldn't have achieved without her.'
Robert, U.K.

'I first started life coaching with Carina after my mum died. I felt unhappy with pretty much every aspect of my life and negative about everything.....Eight months down the line and I feel great! I now know what I want to do with my future and I'm going to Leeds University. Carina helped me focus on my positive qualities and channel them the best way for my future.'
Kate, U.K.

'Your life coaching skills helped me through a very difficult and complex time in my life. You were always available with incredible insight and support and have an amazing knack for seeing the wood through the trees!'
Lorna, New Zealand

WHAT IS LIFE COACHING?

2007-01-21T07:47:00.000-08:00

People often ask me what life coaching is. In fact there are a variety of types of life coaching and many of them revolve around the business environment. However, I'm more of a personal person!

The essence of life coaching is advising, supporting and encouraging people to find their way forward to lead a life they really want. The word 'coach' is one I hate, because it doesn't really describe what we do, but nobody has come up with a better word yet (all suggestions welcome!). The world is an increasingly complex place with lots of choices and too much happening. We don't get time to stop and think what's actually best for us or those around us, or else we know we're not happy but can't quite put a finger on why. We have negative thoughts about ourselves, worries about the future and fears about the planet. It's extremely stressing and depressing.

A coach is trained to help you discover the person you really are. I work together with my clients to help the client gain some clarity about what he or she needs or wants. This then gives the client confidence to make changes in order to overcome problems and achieve a more fulfilled, better balanced and happier lifestyle.

Why should some stranger help you? Well, I believe that in many ways a life coach does for you what friends, family and people in the community used to do in days gone by. Nowadays we're often living a long way from our childhood friends and family. Many of us have little time to take part in community activities and we often live relatively isolated lives. It's very difficult to find someone to talk to about our troubles and worries and what's in our hearts. A life coach gives you friendly, confidential advice and unbiased guidance and support.

The reason coaching is such a rapidly growing profession is simple: it works. Honestly. It really does. It works for anyone who is wanting to make a positive change in any aspect of their lives, but is not sure how to achieve it. It encompasses relationships, finances, career, spirituality, health and leisure. The great thing is that it can be done face to face, by phone or over the internet, which is why I'm on here!

If you're at all interested then email me at newstart@cyberperk.co.za, and let me see what I can do for you. Go on! You have absolutely nothing to lose and so much to gain!

QUOTES

2007-01-18T08:56:00.000-08:00

Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony. (Gandhi)

First say to yourself what you would be, then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

The aim of life is self-development. To realise one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for. (Oscar Wilde)

There is no wealth but life. (John Ruskin)

If you don't know where you are going you will probably end up somewhere else.

LOOKING FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE

2007-01-18T07:57:00.000-08:00

Seeking some sort of meaning to our lives is an essential part of being human. Usually we believe we should focus on the outside world to find it. In reality it's hidden inside each of us, frequently buried under layers of negative thoughts and emotions as we plod through our day to day business. Tapping into the core of yourself lets you find what's important to you (and it won't necessarily be what seems important to everyone else). Deep down we probably know this, but we're restricted by fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of making fools of ourselves, fear of disappointing our nearest and dearest, and so on.

Many people think they'll be happy and content when they've bought their dream house or car, or lost weight, or found a partner, or had a promotion. We set ourselves goals to achieve these things, but, if we do finally manage it, we're disappointed to find we still feel unfulfilled. Too many people seem to be chasing impossible dreams. Happiness is transient and cannot be maintained by material things, otherwise wouldn't all millionaires be happy? It's to do with feeling good about ourselves and what we do with our time.

Part of the problem is that we pick up underlying negative beliefs about ourselves, such as: 'I'm lazy', 'I'm different', 'I'm worthless', 'I 'm shy', and so on. As we grow up these are instilled in us by our environment and our interaction with parents, siblings, teachers or friends. Even the most loving well-meaning relationships can create negative beliefs in us. Since we each have about 60,000 thoughts a day, most of which are subconscious, we're thinking these negative thoughts over and over again. If you think 'I'm a failure' several hundred times a day, then of course you will tend to fail! Think about how your brain works. If you repeatedly do something, such as driving a car, you stop consciously thinking how you do it. Change that car, from a manual to an automatic, for example and it takes a while for your brain to adapt. Your hand keeps looking for the gear lever and your left foot looks for the clutch, but after a while it also becomes familiar and you stop having to think about it.

In the same way, if you identify your negative beliefs and consciously work to change them to positive beliefs, they soon become subconscious thoughts. Once they're going through your mind over and over again, your behaviour is affected and other people begin to reflect the new you. Gradually you overcome your previous fears because you've learned to see yourself clearly and you know and like the person you are. In other words: you start to find the true you.

By finding the essence of who we are and what feels right for us, we can change our lives accordingly. Once we've discovered these things we can find out what we need to give our lives meaning. Sometimes this requires moving out of our comfort zone and sometimes it takes some hard work and commitment, but once you are on the right track all things become possible. Soon your new way of life is your new comfort zone.

The secret to making life more meaningful is to find your inner core, your true feelings and beliefs. Only then can you look to the outside world and identify the parts of it that suit your talents and personality. The places where you will fit in and be fulfilled. It isn't always easy, but ultimately it's very satisfying and it will certainly give meaning to your life!